CRAIG CONLEY (Prof. Oddfellow) is recognized by Encarta as “America’s most creative and diligent scholar of letters, words and punctuation.” He has been called a “language fanatic” by Page Six gossip columnist Cindy Adams, a “cult hero” by Publisher’s Weekly, and “a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure” by Clint Marsh. An eccentric scholar, Conley’s ideas are often decades ahead of their time. He invented the concept of the “virtual pet” in 1980, fifteen years before the debut of the popular “Tamagotchi” in Japan. His virtual pet, actually a rare flower, still thrives and has reached an incomprehensible size. Conley’s website is OneLetterWords.com.
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Inflationary Lyrics

Payphones used to take dimes, but now they take quarters.  Isn't it time to update song lyrics to reflect the realities of inflation?  Alas, it's vastly easier to rhyme the word "dime" than the word "quarter," but here at Inflationary Lyrics Headquarters we have risen to the challenge.  Please join the fun and share your own inflationary lyrics, with both the "before" and "after" versions!

January 21, 2011 (permalink)

"Too Much Candy for a Dime" by Eddy Raven

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

You're just too much candy for a dime, ain't no way
I can look into those eyes of yours and walk away
You think I would know better, but I fall every time
You're just too much candy for a dime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION

You're just too much candy for a tenner, ain't no way
I can look into those eyes of yours and eat my dinner
You think I would know better, but I ain't no thinner
You're just too much candy for a tenner

January 14, 2011 (permalink)

"My Girl is a Dime" by Charlie Wilson

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

My girl is a dime
Dime dime dime
My girl is a dime
Dime dime dime
Man I got a dime
dime dime dime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

My girl is a dollar
Holler, holler, holler
My girl is a dollar
Call her, call her, call her
Man I got a dollar
Ain't no Montrealer*

*No disrespect to the Canadian dollar is intended.

April 5, 2010 (permalink)


SONG: Invisible
ARTIST: Alison Moyet

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

You don't have the time
and you won't spend a dime
not even to call me

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

You seek to estrange
and can't find the change
You give me no quarter

February 3, 2010 (permalink)

SONG: Love at the Five and Dime
ARTIST: Nanci Griffith

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Dance a little closer to me, 'cause it's closing time
And love's on sale tonight at this five and dime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Dance a little closer to me, on this squallored floor
'Cause love's on sale tonight at this Dollar Store

January 25, 2010 (permalink)


Gustav Mahler.
SONG: Don't Drop that Dime
ARTIST: Velvet Revolver

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Sweet Caroline o' mine, don't drop that dime on me tonight.

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Sweet Mahler, I holler, don't drop that dollar on me tonight.

January 6, 2010 (permalink)

SONG: Dime
ARTIST: Cake

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

I'm a dime
I'm fine
And I shine, I'm freshly minted

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

I'm a quarter
I oughta
Be hotter than a yachter

---

CakeFan writes:

Cake's lyrics are the bestest. I like your update. I thought it was so hokey when Chris Meloni as Detective Whoever on Law & Order SVU was waiting by a payphone saying, "Come on...drop a dime on us" about some criminal whose call they were expecting. First, nobody says that anymore. Because it hasn't been a dime in ages. Next, it means to rat somebody out, and they were waiting for a call from a serial killer leaving clues, i.e. he was not ratting on anyone. And lastly, the show just sucked. It sucked donkey dong the way the Dutch language sucks vowels. Chris Meloni is now trapped in the universe of Being Chris Meloni. This happens to so many actors. It should have a name and a diagnosis that ends in "Syndrome."

Prof. Oddfellow responds:

Yes, so many actors get trapped in the universe of Being [Said Actor] that there should indeed be a name and diagnosis that ends in "Syndrome."  May I suggest that the word "Depp" be incorporated into the name?

---

July 14, 2008 (permalink)

SONG: Super-Connected
ARTIST: Belly

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Are there heart strings connected
To the wings you've got slapped on your back?
Better climb in the window cause I'm closing the door.
Now I'm spinning on a dime.

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Did Groucho inspire
Your distinctive moustache?
Climb up the barber pole, don't bat a lash.
Now I'm banking on the cash.

July 11, 2008 (permalink)

SONG: Love on a Rooftop
ARTIST: Cher

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

We used to talk
Delivered on a dime
Now we live together
Never find the time

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

We used to talk
We'd hardly ever heckle
Now we live together
Shackled by the shekels

July 9, 2008 (permalink)

SONG: The World Has Its Shine
ARTIST: Cobra Starship

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

The world has its shine
But I would drop it on a dime for you

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

The world has its flash
But I would drop it on some cash for you

June 30, 2008 (permalink)

SONG: Shadows on a Dime
ARTIST: Ferron

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

This window makes a perfect frame
For New England leaves like painted rain
They hold me as I hold this train
All shadows on a dime.

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

This window opened to a crack
frames New England leaves on the tarmac
They hold me as I traverse this track
All shadows on a greenback.

June 17, 2008 (permalink)


Image source.
SONG: Pity for a Dime
ARTIST: Creed

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Signs of losing my faith
Losing my faith
So I sat down for awhile
Forcing a smile
In a state of self-denial
Is it worthwhile
Sell my pity for a dime
Yeah, Just one dime
Sell my pity for a dime
Yeah, Just one dime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Signs of losing my faith
Losing my faith
So with hope in descent
I tried to repent
In a state of lament
Is it worthwhile
Sell my pity for a quarter
Yeah, twenty-five cents
Sell my pity for a quarter
Yeah, twenty-five cents

June 5, 2008 (permalink)

SONG: Stop on a Dime
ARTIST: Little Texas

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

So you fall in love and it picks you up
And it takes your heart for a ride
After too many bad roads this heartbroken fool knows
That love can stop on a dime.

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

So you fall in love and it picks you up
In a sleigh that's pulled by reindeer
After too many bad roads this heartbroken fool knows
The buck, the buck stops here.

May 9, 2008 (permalink)

SONG: Crybaby
ARTIST: Information Society

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

If I could stop the hands of time
I would do it, on a dime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Sands in the hourglass refill
If you fold space like a bill

April 17, 2008 (permalink)

What band is least likely to have a problem with devalued currency in their lyrics?

Bureau De Change.

April 14, 2008 (permalink)

The poet Chris Piuma offers this inflationary update to the Minutemen's album title "Double Nickels on the Dime":

Double Bits on the Quarter

March 7, 2008 (permalink)


Full-size image here.
SONG: Devil's Dime
ARTIST: Zakk Wylde

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Living on the Devil's dime
Devil's dime
Everything's paid and we're feeling fine
On the Devil's dime
Devil's dime
The wheels are rolling and we're running blind
On the Devil's dime
Devil's dime
Everything's paid and we're feeling fine
On the Devil's dime
Devil's dime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Paid for by the Devil's quarter
Devil's quarter
Heads or tails of Yahweh's thwarter
On the Devil's quarter
Devil's quarter
Paying the price and ending up shorter
On the Devil's quarter
Devil's quarter
Heads or tails of Yahweh's thwarter
On the Devil's quarter
Devil's quarter

April 23, 2007 (permalink)


When the "Weekly Rob" blog featured my "Inflationary Lyrics" project, BruceS commented:

Are there pay phones that only take a quarter?  Ours take two, so the tireless updaters would need to rhyme with "50 cents".  Of course, few people use pay phones any more, since everyone (even cavemen, according to TV) now has a cell phone.  Cell phones not only allow people to share their call with strangers, instead of having that annoying isolation of a pay phone box, they also allow us to make and receive calls while driving, sharing lunch with a friend, or disposing of that lunch later in a public facility.  Try any of *that* with a pay phone!

WeeklyRob
responded that "The job of an inflationary lyricist never ends."

December 16, 2006 (permalink)

SONG: It Only Costs a Dime
ARTIST: Everly Brothers

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Why don't you ever call me
I know you've got the time
I'm always near the phone
Waiting here alone
Oh baby, it only costs a dime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Why don't you ever call me
I know you're not a courter
I'm always near the phone
Waiting here alone
Oh baby, it only costs a quarter

December 13, 2006 (permalink)

SONG: A Heart in New York
ARTIST: Simon and Garfunkel

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

New York, you got money on your mind
And my words won't make a dime's worth a difference,
so here's to you New York

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

New York, you built change into your charter
And my words won't make a quarter's worth a difference,
so here's to you New York

November 9, 2006 (permalink)

SONG: Call Me
ARTIST: Randy Muller

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Though your girlfriend's a friend of mine
Here's my number and a dime, call me anytime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Though your girlfriend's a t.v. reporter
Here's my number and a quarter, call me McWhorter



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