I have the dubious honor of Google being convinced I'm a machine. Apparently, I use Google's various search tools with inhuman speed and voracity. My unflagging diligence has flagged me as "suspicious" (Google's word, not mine; I was so labeled in one of their warning messages). Indeed, the obsessiveness/compulsiveness of my research has convinced the Google robots that I'm one of them, so they must challenge my humanity each time I try to use their service. Paradoxically, because I'm apparently one of those newfangled "smart" robots (my word, not Google's), no single humanity test is sufficient, since I might be learning as I go. So I'm barraged with test after test, each more irrational than the last. (The tests are irrational, of course, because anything rational—like a math problem or a logic puzzle—is a piece of cake for suspect machines.) Indeed, Google's tests have become so Kafkaesque that I've developed what's known as "irrational test anxiety," with symptoms including rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, and negative internal dialogue. And no wonder, really (though self-justification is another symptom), given what Google is throwing at me. Forget those simple CAPTCHA tests of identifying distorted letters on the screen. Child's play! Google doesn't even allow me to type my answers—I must use a graphics tablet with cordless pen and enter my answers in calligraphy. Just today, for the privilege of downloading a public domain journal from the year 1898, Google demanded a handwritten 350-word essay in defense of the radical pro-feminist slogan "Men are rapists." (That did nothing to abate my negative internal dialogue; I've never felt so chauvinistic, selfish, coercive, dominating, and sadistic in my life. But, of course, no man with an ounce of humanity would offer a knee-jerk "no" to such a slogan. And that's how Google gets you by the balls.) I never knew a search engine could be so protective of its data or so begrudging of its service. With each acceptance of my humanity, Google essentially says, "You may have won this round, my pretty, but the battle is far from over. Here's a tiny wooden spoon with a sample of our gelato, but you'll never, ever know what flavors we're storing in the vat in the back. Now get out of line and take another number." I'm left with an even greater challenge than certifying my humanness: to conduct my life's work, I must strive to be less inquisitive, less passionate, less productive, and less insightful. Therein lies the irony, for I must dehumanize myself to prove to a search engine that I'm "real." And now I'm off, once more, to Google myself.

---

Gary Barwin responds in his inimitable way:

Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"You sit on the other side of the booth." —Teresa Southwick, Taming the Montana Millionaire

"The telephone in your home is built scientifically to fit your voice.  This may surprise you at first thought since your telephone looks exactly like every other telephone."
—Popular Science, Nov. 1923

"It still bears repeating: Don't expect gratitude to last any longer than it takes for the recipients to say they're eternally grateful."
—Harvey Mackay, Swim with the Sharks Without Being Waten Alive

"'Call it a hunch.'  She looked like she might call it a lot of things, hunch not being one of them."
—Ken Bruen, Cross (2009), as if describing Terr Garr in Young Frankenstein


A still from the perennially hilarious Young Frankenstein.

 

"I'm looking for the letter C," he said to the door-keeper.
"Why don't you look between B and D then?  . . . What's the matter with you?"
—Robin Llywelyn, From Empty Harbour to White Ocean

Which word is funnier: bucket or pail?

Clue: This is according to rhetoricians.

Answer: Bucket. (The answer is in black text on the black background. Highlight it to view.)

Citation: Wilma R. Ebbitt, William T. Lenehan, The Writer's Reader (1968)

"The answer is simple:  The Japanese make better cars.”

—Michel Robert, Strategy Pure and Simple Two (1998)

We love how this old ad from 1890 reveals the secret of photography: it's all done by fairies!  And it begs the philosophical question: how many angels can dance on the head of a pin-hole camera?

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
—Rumi

"This may surprise you—be prepared for laughter as people share memories and stories."
—Helen Fitzgerald, The Grieving Teen (2000)

"Believe it or not, my clothes aren't always unicolored, wrinkle free, and intense."
—Paige Shelton, Farm Fresh Murder

"Chekhov's stories tread the finest line between a newspaper account and a fairy tale.  Inferior writers step over the line one way or the other." —Howard Moss, Minor Monuments (1986)

For an acquaintance who dreams of lazy afternoons in a hammock but whose backyard sports just a single tree, here's a spoof of a poem by dear cousin Emily:

To make a hammock
It takes some netting and one tree.
Netting and a tree
And reverie.
The reverie alone will do
If trees are few.

Imagine a game of "What's My Line," in which either a cherub or an imp whispers into a blindfolded panelist's ear.

Are the following whispered words of an angelic or a diabolical nature?




Answer: Angelic. "Somewhere an Angel whispered 'Let the show begin.'” —Jim 'Poppa' Kelly, Love! Adventure! Happiness!, 2010, p. 611. (The answer is in black text on the black background. Highlight it to view.)

"Surprising though it may sound, the type of composer who shuts himself away in the ivory tower of his workshop and devotes himself entirely to the serious business of filling staves with notes is virtually unknown in the history of Hungarian music."
—The New Hungarian Quarterly (1980)

"I have learnt one secret . . . : that the soul is but a manner of being—not a constant state—that any soul may be yours, if you find and follow its undulations." —Vladimir Nabokov, The Real Life of Sebastian Knight

The great Australian comedy series Kath & Kim features some hilariously dumbfounding baby names, such as:

• Typhphaanniii (pronounced Tiffany)
• Eppinn'knee Rae¨</i> (Rae is followed by an [umlaut] and a [close italics])
  
• Detestannii
• Paloma
• Papiloma
• Tailuh (pronounced Tai Luh)
• Glen Waverley (after a suburb in Victoria, Australia)
• Aussie
• Fat Free Frûche
• Tiramisu
  

Then there are these baby names, inspired by a hospital visit (and please note that they all sound better with an Australian accent):

• Neil Bymouth
• Cardio Infarction (the downside being the inevitable nickname "Farct")
• Enema (for a girl)
  
• Lupus (for a boy)
  
• Catheter
  
• I.V. (for a girl)
  

 

"Believe it or not, a lot of people are actually afraid to feel a moment of joy, because they're so afraid of that moment when it will be gone."
—Sylvia Browne, Blessings from the Other Side

Which state is funnier: Maine or Kansas?

Note: This is according to the sounds of the words and not the citizens.

Answer: Kansas. Humorists note that a hard "k" tends to make words sound funny. (The answer is in black text on the black background. Highlight it to view.)

"The simple answer is that we do not know.”

—CMJ New Music Report (Sept. 4, 1958)

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

This piece is for Gary Barwin, whose pirate-novel-in-progress is our most-anticipated book of whatever year it debuts.

"We are described into corners, and then we must describe ourselves out of corners."
—Salman Rushdie

"To find out what something means requires thinking beyond the given, concrete materials within a visual field and replacing 'what is' with 'what if.'" —Diane Lapp, Handbook of Research on Teaching the English Language Arts

"You tend to react in certain ways because of something that happened to you in the past. This may surprise you."
—Margaret E. Backman, Coping with Choosing a Therapist (1994)

"It bears repeating that group cohesiveness is not synonymous with group comfort or ease."
—Irvin D. Yalom & Molyn Leszcz, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy

Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"to keep it a small."  —Jenny Ripatti, When Love & Culture Collide

"Believe it or not most women, especially on the first date, do not want to see how turned on you are."
—Sue Harris, It Doesn't Have to Be Hard to Please a Woman

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

"You might call it a hunch, if you will, but what I called it was odor.  The thing smelled of something."
—Emanuel Henry Lavine, Secrets of the Metropolitan Police (1937), as if describing Marty Feldman's character in Young Frankenstein


A still from the perennially hilarious Young Frankenstein.

"Surprising though it may sound, fighting is a cultural activity."
—Serge Yalichev, Mercenaries of the Ancient World

 

"Do anything once; then, best of all, never again."
—Doug Nufer, Never Again (2004)

Imagine a game of "What's My Line," in which either a cherub or an imp whispers into a blindfolded panelist's ear.

Are the whispered words pictured on the right of an angelic or a diabolical nature?

Answer: Angelic. "The angel whispered, 'It is enough; my task is ended. New duties await me.'” —T. S. Arthur, "The Search for Happiness,” The True Path, 1888, p. 52. (The answer is in black text on the black background. Highlight it to view.)

"The answer is simple:  feed the poor, clothe the naked, and heal the sick.”

—King (1983)

"Surprising though it may sound, the most pernickety professional clockmakers are by no means averse to washing the mechanism in water."
—Michel Doussy, The Art of Restoring Antiques (1978)

"No real idea can be said to exist without the words made to measure." —Vladimir Nabokov, The Real Life of Sebastian Knight

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I can't picture you astride one of those big beasts."
—Carolyn LeComte, Dark Paradise

A possible motto for a weight loss support group:

"There is only the finest line between collecting and compulsion.  More than half the people you see shopping at flea markets have serious psychiatric disorders and don't even know it." —Matt Maranian, Pad: The Guide to Ultra-Living (2000)

Author Miracle Jones releases his fictions on flash drives attached to little sculptures.  "I envision that someday even lamps and toasters will be filled with fiction, comics, and movies," he says.  "Top hats will contain whole worlds!"  Jones promises that tomorrow's bookcase will be filled with exquisitely crafted talismans.  See his intriguing explanation here.

"It may be said, we do not become wood when we know wood.  The answer, surprising though it may sound, is that in so far as we know wood we do become it."
—The Downside Review (1936)

"There is no guarantee that we will succeed at whatever we attempt to do, but we should still fully engage our energies in living in the present because this split-second moment in time is our only certainty."
—Alexandra Stoddard, Things Good Mothers Know (2009)

 

"Is all the mythology in the world here?"
"No . . . Only words are here.  They try to make me yield the rest but my words come from the North Country.  They can't be pinned down between book covers.  Our words like to play on the breeze.  They congregate in the hollows of streams and fill the ravines."
—Robin Llywelyn, From Empty Harbour to White Ocean

Is it true, as Momus suggests, that there are "few tales which would not be improved by the addition of the phrase 'suddenly, a shot rang out'"?  Decide for yourself as we alter the opening lines of . . .

THE WINGS OF THE DOVE by Henry James

She waited, Kate Croy, for her father to come in, but he kept her unconscionably, and there were moments at which she showed herself, in the glass over the mantel, a face positively pale with the irritation that had brought her to the point of going away without sight of him.  Suddenly, a shot rang out.

"Surprising though it may sound, you often have to audition even just to get into a good acting class."
—S.J. Stratford, Arts and Entertainment

"The answer is:  simple machines.”

—John Farndon, Experimenting with Physics (2008)

"Before making judgments which will affect the environment and other people, it is vital to reconstruct a map's 'missing essence.'  The best way to do so is through imaginative map use."
—Phillip Muehrcke & Juliana O. Muehrcke, Map Use (1998)

Pictured is a "map's essence," photographed by Dorian Cavé.  See full image here.

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

"This may surprise you, but being successful in school involves more than just brains and hard work."
—Caffeine Will Not Help You Pass That Test (2005)

We're often asked why we organize our home library by color.  Truth be told, it's personal.  Our 3rd cousin 16 generations back, King Kenry VIII of England, organized the 329 volumes in his Greenwich Palace library by color.*

*This is noted in Katherine the Queen, Linda Porter's fascinating biography of Katherine Parr, the last wife of Henry VIII.

Vladimir Nabokov asserts that one is the only real number:

"All things belong to the same order of things, for such is the oneness of human perception, the oneness of individuality, the oneness of matter, whatever matter may be.  The only real number is one, the rest are mere repetition." —The Real Life of Sebastian Knight

"That is the secret of small pieces of paper covered with words: they can prove we were here and give people some sense of us even after we are dead." —Geof Huth

Which word is funnier: girdle or corset?

Clue: This is according to humorist Jack Rawlins.

Answer: girdle (The answer is in black text on the black background. Highlight it to view.)

 

William Keckler notes:


. . . and more here

Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"You reveal the secret of the box." —Ronald Gowrie, Anamorphous

"What most people don't undestand, is that the more focused and positive you are, the higher levels of motivation you will have." —Lesley Morrissey, Grow Your Own Achievers (2002)