And ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your show band for this evening, The Caterers!
Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be... Morrissey!
"Punctured bicycle on a hillside desolate"
"Will nature make a man of me yet?"
"In this charming car this charming man"
"William, it was really nothing"
"Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know it's serious"
"Panic on the streets of London, panic on the streets of Birmingham"
"Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ." - Everybody!
"Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ"
"Oh, shutuppa you face!"
The Caterers there!
(monkey sounds)
Whoa, there they go!
But of course I'm not really M-- I mean, it wasn't really Mozza, was it?
I'm not really Morrissey, I'm not Mozza!
Hey, I'm not Mozza! I was robbed that night. I was robbed that night, see?
A pony, a pony, a pony stroke...
Yeah yeah, a pony stroke, a pony stroke,
A pony stroke, a pony stroke...
A goat, a goat stroke...
A goat, a goat stroke. A goat...
A bunny, a bunny, a bunny stroke...
A bunny stroke... A pony stroke...
A goat stroke... A bunny stroke... An elephant pat! A-pat, a-pat, a-pat.
Now, nice to see, uh...
Oh yeah, I'm tellin' you man, it happened that way... Bacardi Breezer
It's nice to see one or two bald men in the audience. Welcome, sir, a bald man, welcome.
Was it the same for you, sir, you just noticed it was taking longer and longer to wash your face?
Am I right?
Am I right? Back me up on this.
Flannels not lasting as long as they should. Am I right?
I don't know where the flannels are going. I don't know where the flannels are going, well...
Oh yeah I'm ready to rise again
I found out - oh yeah - I found this week that my Nan has got false teeth.
Oh yeah, she's got false teeth, so how can I believe a single word that she tells me?
Get out of here! You guys slay me!
Well, uh, I do think air fresheners must be very confusing for blind people, don't you think?
Aaair fresheners... very con-fuuusing for blind people
(sniffs) Hm? Hm? Pine forest? I thought this was the loo!
Now, the... Hm? Hm?
Three bars of soap a week, sir. Am I right? Three bars of soap.
I don't know where the soap's going to! Waaah...
And every now and again, what I - he he - what I like to do...
I like to spend about four hours just looking for my vehicle registration document.
What a little bit of fun you can have, hm? Oh yeah. A little bit of fun, eh?
Even if you haven't got a baby, even if you don't have a baby.
When you go out book a babysitter, hm?
Oh yeah, you book a babysitter, hm?
And even if you haven't got a baby
And on your way out you say to the babysitter, uh
In about half an hour's time would you just check on the baby, would ya?
Hm, hm, hm, hm - hm, hm, hm - yeah, he he - hm - yeah - hm, hm, hm...
Even better than that, what you do, you write on one of the doors in the house Baby's Room
You put an antique cot in there - Waah! Waah!
You leave a window open - about that mu... (snickers)
A little rope ladder... (laughs like a monkey)
What do you mean the baby's escaped?!
Waa! Give me fifty quid, we'll forget all about it, will ya?
Yeah - a ba-ba-ba... Yeah - a ba-ba-ba...
Now, uh - hm? oh yeah - hm? oh yeah
Wh, wha, ya - (sniffs) - ya - (sniffs) - hm?
Bowl of oranges? Where's my minicab?
Now... the...
Oh! One person clapping by himself, always a bit embarrassing...
Particularly after sex, I find.
Oh, he's giving flowers out! I wish I'd sat up the front.
Now, hm? Goldfinger!
Well...
Not just jockeys, I think all small people should have to wear a number! Eh?
What do you say we run the Grand National till all the horses are dead?
Go on, get back round! Get back round. Don't come back until you're dead.
Don't come back until you - hrm, the naughty horses! Wa-hey!
The naughty horses... Hm? Hm?
They touch our queen! Urgh...
Touch our queen! The dirty - the dirty horses...
Well, uh... Heh!
Where do ice cream men get that quantity of stale Flakes from? Where do they...?
Where do they get the stale Flakes in that quantity?
"A taste of honey!" — (backup) "A taste of honey!"
"Tasting much sweeter than sild." — (backup) "Sild!"
Sild... — Sild!
Juicy, juicy, tender sild. — Juicy, juicy, tender sild.
Ooh! Ooh yum yum sild! — Ooh! Ooh yum yum sild.
Ooh, yum yum sild. Hm? — Ooh, yum yum sild - hm, hm.
That's right, sir, it's a hand-operated torch. Now..
The curly-wurlys, the holes in the curly wurlys...
Do they dilute them and turn them into Caramacs?
Or do they roll them up and pass the off as Revels? You! Go and find out!
Go on! Bring - bring back information.
Now, I don't know - back me up on this - I don't know whether you remember...
whether they allowed calculators in the maths exam?
Oh, I can't believe my luck! They've allowed calculators in the maths exam!
What do you mean we've got to show the working out?! Um...
I asked for the Casio PF 100 - a lovely calculator, I think you'll agree.
Oh yes, a lovely one isn't it? The Casio PF - wh-wh-wh - 100...
Unfortunately, my mother, Mummy, bought me the Casio PF 200
which, as you may know, is an electronic organ.
Oh, Mummy!
What did you have to get that one for, Mummy?! So you can imagine me...
in the maths exam here... hm?
It's the multi-choice - all important...
Hm? Hm? Question one...
(Bach's "Toccata and Fugue" on cheap keyboard)
Question two...
("Green Onions" by Booker T. & the M.G.'s plays)
But I was clever. I held my hand up,
I asked to be excused, I went to the lavatory where behind the cistern,
previous to the exam I'd hidden some sheet music! Ha ha ha!
Wasp on a baby's face, sir. What do you do?
Wasp on a baby's face, come on, the clock's ticking.
Wasp on a baby's face. The clock's ticking!
Wasp on a baby's face, what do you do? Come on!
It's an urgent situation. There's a wasp on a baby's face! What do you do?!
Aaaaah! It stung the baby!
Stung the baby. You were too late, weren't you? Come on!
Well, for pity's sake! There's a wasp on a babe... What?!
What news of curly wurlys? What news of curly wurly? Curly wurly!
Come one, wasp on a baby's...
"Slap it?!" Well it might make the wasp sting the baby. That's the whole point!
"Flick it off?!" You're just digging yourself into a bigger hole!
No, you daub your own face with jam and lure it away!
Hm? Hm? What's wrong? You didn't want the jam to drip onto your fancy poncho, is that it?
Hm? You didn't want the jam to drip onto the fancy bespoke poncho? Hm?
A little bit selfish, are we? A bit of a - hm? - a bit of a bully, are we?
The sort of - the sort of person who might get a younger boy and push him down the wet slide
to dry it out for him? Hm? (slide whistle)
Well, uh, a friend of mine, he lives in a castle in Scotland -
rather a nice idea - it was his daughter's second birthday the other day,
as a bit of fun he put an inflatable council estate in the garden.
Rather a nice idea...
Now - mm - uh - see, Hitler, he was a bad man - hm?
Oh, have I gone too far? He was...
broadly, just in broad terms, he was, uh, he was a bad man, uh
Winston Churchill, he was a good man, wasn't he?
But, uh, the odd thing is if you're in a balloon with Hitler and Churchill
and you're losing altitude...
Hm? Hm? The one you throw out's Churchill, cause he's the fat one. Go on!
(straining grunts)
Give us a hand, Hitler. Come on!
See, different games, different rules, isn't it? You see?
Mahatma Gandhi loved peace, didn't he? He's a peace-loving man,
but if you're looking for a tug-of-war team...
Idi Amin, step right up!
Step... step right up! Now, uh...
Mm, that's right, hand-operated torch. You see? Don't be frightened.
Hm, hm, hm? Pony stroke - hm? A pony stroke...
A goat, a goat stroke - hm? A goat stroke...
A bunny stroke, a bunny stroke, a bunny stroke...
An elephant pat, an elephant pat...
A dog tickle, tickle! He he!
And it's only really when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass
on a hot, sunny day you realize just how often they spontaneously just bust into flames.
Now, uh, probably the, uh...
Probably the largest, uh, shellfish we have in this country must be the donkey.
You'll see them venture up onto the beach at low tide, uh...
Hm, hm, hm? Sometimes wearing a hat, don't they?
Occasionally have sometimes a shawl? Hm, hm?
Occasionally a tight-fitting lycra suit, uh, the - mm? There they are, look!
They've got four powerful suckers, haven't they? Hm?
Hanging on, underneath the bottoms of boats, haven't they?
(sounds of a donkey braying underwater)
And of course... He he!
Uh, the, and... Mm. And man...
he exploits them, doesn't he? He uses the backs of the donkeys for rides,
and I saw a fella, he's got six of 'em.
He's got six donkeys. He's exploiting the backs of the donkeys for rides.
And I bought those donkeys, and I liberated them back into the ocean, ladies and gentlemen.
Took 'em up onto the pier there, uh and I... I pushed 'em off.
Now they can be stubborn... They can be stubborn, donkeys, they're notorious for it.
(straining noises)
Well, give us a hand, Hitler, come on!
Six of them, and I was glad I did because, you know, the next day
those donkeys were washed ashore dead.
But I was happy that before they died, however briefly, they'd gone home.
(laughs)
We don't actually know what Jesus looked like, do we?
The baby Jesus, he started off as the baby Jesus,
then he conveniently dropped that bit, didn't he, the baby part, oh yeah
The, uh, the artist formerly known as the baby Jesus, he - uh - he
We don't actually know what he looked like
There've been various interpretations - mostly bearded - uh
but - I imagine that a lot of the time Jesus just looked surprised.
(whimpering) What's going on?
(whimpering) Wine?! But it was water a minute ago!
I didn't know there was a cure for leprosy! (whimpering)
Now, uh,
Okay, wasp on a lady's face. What do you do?
Hm? Wasp on a lady's face. The clock's s-s-... Don't help him!
The... Hm? Slap? No, you can't slap it. It might...
Come on, wasp on a lady's face, what do you do? It's less urgent, isn't it? Look...
Hm? Hm? Wasp on a lady's face, what do you do? Hm?
You can't slap it, sir, no. In this situation, all you're obliged to do
is to inform the lady of the situation.
Now...
My nan has got - uh - she's got two left feet, tragically.
Yes, thank you for that sympathy. She's got - uh - two left feet
Not ideal, but the upside is she's able to steal shoes from outside Dolcis.
Now...
A-left! A-left! A-left, left, left!
The odd thing is that if she sits cross-legged she looks perfectly normal.
It's an odd one...
I mean, she's got two left feet, she's got two right hands - hm?
She's got two right hands - uh - but she's left-handed. It's an odd one.
She's left-handed - hm? - got two right hands so
She can, she can hitchhike to places, oh yeah, she can get there alright - hm? hm?
But she, but she can't get back. (horns honking)
Eh ee oh,
Ee eh ee ungh,
Eh oh ooh.
Now, but she's clever, my nan,
what she does, she's stripped to the waist, then in ten minutes
there's a squad car to take her home. Now...
How - how old is the queen mum now? What, eighty - something like that?
About eighty, is she?
She must be at least late seventies. Hm?
The queen, queen mum.
You think of the number of, uh,
You think of the number of foundation stones she's laid in various, uh
municipal buildings and hospitals over the years, our Queen Mum.
Uh, but she'll never take on any heavy structural work, um ...
No, she's, uh, she's a typical builder in many ways
Uh, she'll turn up on the first day; you'll never see her again.
Uh, oh yeah, we have to ... hm? hm? Oh yeah.
What we have to, uh, remember, of course, about the Queen Mum,
is that at the end of the day she's just a lady, isn't she?
"She's a lady, whoa-oa, she's a lady ..."
"Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb,
"You can give it to me when I need to come along."
Now...
They're very optimistic people, ice cream men, aren't they? Ice cream men.
You can tell they're optimistic from the tunes they play in the vans.
Hm? ("Whistle While You Work" plays) Ice creams! Ice creams!
Mind that child! Uh, and it's, it's, it's ... they're optimistic people, right?
So what happens is they get one hot day in April, right?
They go out, right? On summers here they go out, they buy a whole load of Flakes.
Of course the weather turns, and those Flakes have got to last them all summer, but...
it's the optimistic sound of the ice cream van that brings the whales in, isn't it?
The whales, swimming out at sea ... Here they are, look.
(whale moaning) ("Whistle While You Work" plays)
They come in too shallow, don't they? They come in too shallow.
They beach themselves in the shallow part. (moaning)
Choc-ice! (moaning)
Choc-ice!
Now, do you want to meet them, do want to meet them, The Caterers? Hm?
And you're all, "Oh!" Yes, exciting, isn't it!
Do you want to meet them?
Here we go, then: It's The Caterer's, ladies and gentlemen. Here they are. (Fast wild jazz plays)
Oh, it built, it built!
It started small, but it built, Steve.
Now there's Steve, of course; there he is on the, uh, on the Yamaha Clavinova PF.
It's a lovely ... it's a joint Christmas and birthday present, Steve I think.
It's a little more than I like to spend on main gift, and uh,
so he skips a birthday and comes round again as Christmas.
That's new, isn't it? Oh, it's hot, the top one. That's - it's a hot plate, isn't it.
You've got a saveloy, and uh, you've got a jacket, a jacket potato on there for later.
Now, and this here is Mark. Now we're teaching Mark how to count, basically.
What we're doing, we're using song, which he does understand,
to teach him something he doesn't understand, which is counting. Should we show them?
"Oh my darlin', knock three times ..."
(three rimshots)
"... on the ceiling if you want me."
"Twice on the pipe ..."
(two rimshots)
"... if you ain't gonna show."
There they are, the... Oh!
(Music plays) Pizza!
Pizza!
Well, I don't know ...
I don't whether you have these, you've heard of these, have you?
Have you ever seen these before? Hm? Have you?
You've seen these, the large cardboard mittens? They're uh ...
You have? Hm? They're ideal for the old folk at winter.
Uh, no, of course it isn't.
What I'm, it's the shredded wheat, isn't it. There he is, there's the shredded wheat.
Oh! Oh...
The ripple, the ripple of excitement passes through the Palace Theatre.
"Is he gonna hand 'em out? Is he gonna hand 'em out? Wish I'd got a seat down the front now!"
There it is, the, uh, the shredded wheat. (Harmonica sound)
Now, uh, you're probably like me -- you look at people in hats,
and you wonder how much milk you could smuggle under there,
under their hat, yeah? How much milk you could, uh, s-s-smuggle under the ...
(whimpering) Lazarus, what are you doing here? I thought you were dead!
What's going on? (whimpering) (whale moaning)
Tub! Tub!
How much milk you could smuggle under the hat. Hm?
That's why they give milkmen the flat hats, isn't it? Hm?
They give them the flat hats so they don't walk off with the merchandise!
Right? It makes sense! Hm? We all do it -- we all walk away with stuff
from the office; I might be staying in a hotel locally -- I might walk off with perhaps
a flannel, a bath towel ... uh, obviously a Corby trouser press is a quite different proposition.
It's a long coat and a skateboard.
Goodnight! Uh ...
But that's why we give the policemen the tall helmets, isn't it?
We give them the tall helmets; we know they could get a pint of milk
under that helmet, but we trust them, don't we? We're testing them.
Hm? Hm? We're testing them: we're saying, "Look -- there's the fridge,
packed full of milk; there's your tall helmet. Just try it; go on.
"Go on, just try it." Hm? The hat I like is the jester's hat.
Because under the jester's hat, you can get a pint and a half
of each of the three different milk species.
Hm? You can get a pint and a half of skimmed. Hm? Hm?
You can get a pint and a half of semi-skimmed. Hm?
You can get a pint and a half of full fat milk under that hat.
You could walk through customs with four and a half pints of
all three of the different milk species. And they've got no way of knowing!
They've got absolutely no way of knowing how much milk you've got under that hat.
Hm? The odd thing is, there's no actual restriction on the amount of milk
you're allowed to take through customs. It's a loophole.
It's a loophole, yeah! You can walk through customs with
four and a half pints of milk -- you can have butter strapped underneath your cagoule,
you can have a suitcase with a false bottom packed full of processed cheese
and there's nothing they can do about it! They can't touch you!
I'm the milk jester and I'm back in town!
My parents split up, tragically, yes.
Ah, thank you -- the, huh? You like that lining, sir, do you?
It dazzles. It excites.
They did, um, they did split up, tragically. (sniff sniff)
(late harmonica sound)
Tragically, my...
My dad became more and more deaf, relied increasingly on lip reading,
and my mum, almost as if to spite him, became a Muslim fundamentalist.
"Your dinner's in the oven! Your dinner's in the oven!"
"Pizza! Pizza!"
They, uh, they did split up. (whale moaning) Strawberry Mivvi!
They did, they did split up; um, my mum got custody of me,
my dad got custody of my sister.
And she would look at me and think "poor ol' Harry, he misses a father figure."
So she's nip upstairs. She'd put on a big black curly wig, a big black curly mustache,
football kit, come downstairs and say, "Come on, son, we're going to go play football
o'er at the park. Come on, go play football."
So, we'd go play football and she was pretty good at football and she knew all the moves.
Dribble, dribble, dribble, dribble.
Pass. Think of the other fellow.
Man up! Man up! Where were you? On the head, on the head?
Goal! And it was during one of these particular matches that she was spotted
by the then Liverpool team manager Bill Shankly, who signed her up.
She went on to a very successful career both nationally and internationally
under the name of Ian Rush. Uh ...
In the meantime, on the other side of town, there's my sister,
my father looks at my sister: "She misses a mother figure."
He'd nip upstairs, a blond wig, tight-fitting top, heavily pleated skirt,
white socks, ice skates. "Come on, going t'play at ice rink.
"We're going skatin' down ice rink." She was pretty good at ice skating,
my dad, and it was during one of these particular rink outings
that he was spotted by the then-Olympic team manager,
signed him up; he went on to have a very successful career
under the name of Jayne Torvill. Meantime, on the other side of town,
I'm looking at my mom thinking she misses a daughter figure.
I nip upstairs, a long ginger wig, a tight-fitting gingham frock,
freckles, white socks, a little pair of red tap shoes.
Just gonna learn tap dancing lessons.
It was during one of these tap dancing lessons, I was spotted by the then-producer of Junior Showtime,
and went on to a very successful career under the name Bonnie Langford.
Oh, you've heard of me. In ...
the meantime there's my sister on the other side of town,
looks at my dad, "misses a son figure." She'd nip upstairs, (fast muttering)
Macaulay Culkin. Uh ...
Now, what's, uh, that lovely Lionel Richie number?
Ah, is it one of yours?
"You're once" (rimshot)
"Twice" (two rimshots)
"Three times a lady." (three rimshots)
"Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb,
"You can give it to me when I need to come along."
Well ...
Spare a thought for the poor chamois deer, though.
Here we are, the poor chamois deer; here is gamboling through the forest, hm?
The chamois deer with its super-absorbent skin,
isn't it? Its super-absorbent skin that we might wipe our heads ...
Cars, heads, cars, heads, cars, heads, cars ...
The chamois deer, here he is, gamboling through the forest
with his friends, the elk, hm? the Thompson's gazelle, oh yeah,
I've done the homework, I'm on the Internet, bad boy, dirty boy, in your bed!
The ... chamois deer is gamboling through the forest with his friends
and suddenly it starts raining. "It's alright, I'll catch you up, I'll catch you up!"
"I'll catch you up."
Now...
You're probably like me, every now and again your mind goes back
to a previous lifetime, does it? For me it's 2 B.C. when I was an Egyptian slave boy.
"Ah, Mustafa ... the Pharaoh is thirsty. Bring more wine."
"Yes, master." Ah, the picture fades.
Now, we've, we've ...
Stack of four terrapins, sir. Where do you place yourself?
Stack of four terrapins. We've all seen them stacking on the box.
Where do you place yourself in that stack? Hm?
You've got to be either on the bottom, uh, there, there, or, look ...
it's a finger, it's a finger diagram. What's wrong with ya?
Second from the top? Um, that tells us a lot about you.
Now, with, see with the smaller ones, the little ones, um?
the bite size ... Oh! Excitement, see?
Yeah, you're all thinking, "They're smaller. There's more of them.
"Maybe he will hand them out."
The shreddies, the cruel orphaned by-products
of the cruel shredded wheat trade. Hm? The little tiny orphans, look.
There he is. Look. Here he is, look. I'll demonstrate it now.
See, that's the mummy. Right? That's the mummy who has been taken away.
Alright. And here's the, here's the ...
(baby whimpering)
(contented sounds)
(baby whimpering)
Fab! (an ice lolly) Fab!
The ... the little tiny (crunching sound)
I'm going have to kill that one as well. I going to have to.
I'm going to have to kill the pair of them.
Play something suitable.
The uh ... there we are, tragic.
That, no, here they are, the uh ... ha ha ... here we are, here we are ...
Look, yes, number 14 ... (voiceover: "Wolverhampton Wanderers")
will play number 12 ... (voiceover: "Stockport County")
No, cause they're smaller ... (coach whistle sound)
And we've all seen 'em on the street corners, haven't we?
Eh? We've all seen 'em on the street corners, many of them smoking.
Many of them on drugs.
They've got no jobs to go to.
And once a week we see them queuing for the state handouts.
Or, pensions, as they call them.
I've actually ... um! I've ... um!
I've actually worked out why, uh, old people look the way they do.
Right, we have to go back to first principles.
You take, uh, the difference between a raisin and a grape, basically, is, anyone?
Anyone got that? It's moisture, isn't it? Don't look for hard answers in these, sir.
Don't look for something difficult -- these are the easy ones.
Hm? Alright, here's one -- here's a hard one for you. Uh, uh,
names of celebrities whose surnames suggest they should be good at D.I.Y.
Come on, Barry! Am I right, is it Barry? Hm?
Celebrities whose surnames suggest they should be good at D.I.Y.
M.C. Hammer, we've got up the back there. You see, he's, he's streets ahead!
Okay. The difference between a grape and a raisin is --
stop thinking; I know you're thinking of them; stop thinking about them now!
I don't want any more now!
Don't want any more.
The difference between a grape and a --
the difference between a grape and a raisin is moisture, right?
If you, if you open a packet of biscuits, right? Within a couple of days,
if you leave them open, those biscuits have gone soft. Why?
Because they draw in moisture.
If you get an elderly lady, you open her handbag, what do you find?
Biscuits. I rest my case.
Now, uh, poor old, uh,
nan, she did, she she died, tragically, yes.
Yes, thank you. It's, it's building, isn't it?
It's building now, the sympathy sound. Uh ...
it's been a terrible week in many ways for me.
This is the culmination of a terrible week.
Um, the only silver lining is that I had a rice pudding for lunch,
and, uh -- rather nice -- and uh, you know how the pot --
the skin gets sort of baked on the outside of the, the, of the pot there.
Before I came out tonight, I put it in to soak. Ha ha.
So forgive me if I appear smug. Ha ha ha ha.
Oh yes. When I get home, one quick wipe, hm?
Ha ha.
That's all it'll take. Ha ha ha ha.
What's that, uh, that number, the "Going On" song that you wrote?
"I am 16 ..." (16 rimshots)
What have I started here?
"... going on 17 ..." (17 rimshots)
Get off!
"And she's buying a stairway to heaven."
Never get anyone trained in Tai Chi to back you into a parking space;
you'll be there all day.
Well give us a hand, Hitler. Now...
Uh, my nan, she was, she died tragically.
Basically she died of a hoarse voice. Uh ...
Well, to be specific, uh, she drowned, in fact.
(raspy whisper) "Help! Help! H--h--"
She was depressed, uh. She'd just come out of the bingo,
she'd had a successful line, but, um, was unable to claim the prize.
(raspy whisper) "House! House!"
But she bought the funeral down to the last detail, ladies and gentlemen.
She wanted that beautiful gospel number at the funeral.
"Oh happy day. Oh happy day. Oh happy day. When Jesus washed ...
"When Jesus washed all our sins away. Oh happy day."
There was a clerical error at the crematorium ...
and instead, as the coffin disappeared through the curtains for the last time,
what we actually heard was, "Tuesday, happy day .... Thursday happy day ..."
"Saturday, happy day. Saturday, what a day, rockin' all week with you.
"These days are ours, these happy days are yours and mine.
"These happy days are yours and mine, these happy days are yours and mine.
Happy days." ...which was far from ideal.
You see they, they put the, they put the war memorials up don't they?
They put the (delayed coach whistle)
they put the war memorials up so we remember the war dead.
Isn't that right Barry? We come out to ... Timmy Mallett, you could have had.
Timmy Mallett's one, you might have been thinking about.
Um, you come out the house, right, you see the war memorial,
you think, "Doh! War dead!" And of course, this is in the days before Post-It notes.
Now...
vegetarians, they tend to be the same people who go on about the environment,
aren't they, in my experience, the vegetarians.
Now maybe there'd be a bit more environment about if they wasn't eatin' all the plants.
You can marry your aunty, can't you?
There's not a problem with that; there's no law against it, is there? You can marry your aunty, hm?
A strange woman who kisses you every time you see her -- she's trying to tell you something, isn't she?
Hm? Read the signs!
Auntie! She's perfect, isn't she? She's the perfect woman.
She looks a bit like your mum, only she's younger and not married to your dad.
Have you thought of one there? Have you thought of one?
Jimmy Nail, I'll accept. Very good. Very well done to you.
Yeah. You'll notice that that gets a round of applause, fellas, apparently
That's ... yes, jolly good. Anyone else?
Oh, we're all off now aren't we?
Oh yes. Oh, we've all thought of one in the intervening ten minutes.
Harry Carpenter. I'll accept, yes. That's a good one.
Chaka Demus & Pliers is a clever one.
Chaka Demus & Pliers, yes. I hadn't thought of that one.
It's a nice ... can't believe how busy we are on the phones tonight.
Hello? Oh, hello Chris, yeah, put him on.
Hello Bob. Yes, yeah. Yeah, ha ha. Yeah, yeah.
Uh, I think it's D, "Wisconsin." Good luck.
Now, when I was...
When I was younger, we used to say quite a lot, uh,
"Hey, it's the Fonz." Uh...
But tonight I'm gonna pretend it wasn't the Fonz, uh, so that would be followed by,
"Hey, it's the Fonz, oh no it's not the Fonz."
Most of us grow out of it but one lad, he would go on and on about it.
"Hey, it's the Fonz" time after time. But one night, one night, one night,
(mumbles) one night, uh, we're about our business there, like that,
and he goes, "Hey, it's the Fonz." Well, we didn't even bother looking up from our work.
Didn't bother looking up. "Hey," -- yeah, I know. "Hey, it's the Fonz."
Yeah, yeah, alright, pull the other one. We didn't even look up from our work.
And he goes, "Hey, no look, it is the Fonz." Yeah, yeah, we believe you.
"No look! Please look! It, it is the Fonz!" Yeah, we believe you, pull the other one.
We've been had too many times mate, and you know, that night,
the Fonz killed and ate 14 of our best sheep.
The story there...
of the Boy Who Cried Fonz.
Now...
And now ladies and gentlemen, oh! Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
the previous Secretary of State for Northern Ireland's husband
telling her that their grass needs cutting: "Mo Mowlam."
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the first minister of the Northern Ireland Assemblies' wife
telling him that their cow needs a haircut. Thank you. "David Trimble."
Thank you. And now, a prominent member of Sinn Féin's wife
inquiring about her drink: "Martin McGuinness."
Now, this ...
this is the part of the show that I like to call the Good Friday Agreement Fun Spot.
Laughter in a crisis. And to round it out, the Prime Minister of Southern Ireland's wife
interrupting him at a party: "Bertie Ahern."
Now...
Some of you, oh!, some of you may have noticed this item.
This is a -- that's right -- a gymnastics mat.
Hm? Oh yeah, it's a ... hm hm. (hums Hawaii Five-O theme)
It's a gymnastic mat. I do apologize -- I can't find my vehicle registration document anywhere.
Um, it's a gymnastics mat
and coming up, we've got the history of popular music gymnastics display,
which in my view is the high point, yes, of the, of the yeah.
What I do is I distill all the different forms of music over the 20th century into six basic gymnastics moves.
Uh, it's just something to look forward to. For some of you.
Now presumably, uh, if you are trained to be a bullfighter, um, you don't start straight in on bulls, do you?
Presumably, first day, a bullfighter, you have to wrestle a chicken to the floor like ...
(grunting) It's on my back, it's on my back, the chicken, it's on my back!
Call the teacher! Call the teacher!
Day two, presumably you can just walk up to a sheep and punch him in the face.
Hai! Hai! (sheep bleeting sound)
Well, uh, my own marriage is, uh, broken up as well.
Uh, Basil Brush is another one you could have had. Um...
Um, so, ah...
my own marriage broke up. I say, uh, marriage;
we never actually got the papers through from the Philippines in the end, but uh ...
So a friend of mine, Andy -- Dave. You're probably like me, you say Andy and you mean to say Dave.
He, uh, he uh, he arranged for a blind date.
He said, "I know a rich widow." He said "you can go out and have a lovely drink with this rich widow."
So we went out with the rich widow, we had a lovely evening.
She invited me back to her place. We get in there and she says,
"I'm just going to go and slip into something more comfortable." Off she goes.
While she's away, I look up and I notice there are all these balloons full of blood hanging from the ceiling.
I thought, that's odd. Uh....
While she's gone, I notice this, and then she comes back, and she's wearing --
she's completely naked except for one of those musical socks like you get at Christmas.
You know the musical socks like you get at Christmas?
("Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" plays)
I'll just turn it off to save the battery. Um...
She's got a broom handle with a nail sticking out in one hand.
She bends over, she activates the sock... (Rudolph theme)
she bursts one of the balloons, she hands me the broom handle and says, "Go on, your turn."
Well, I made my excuses and left.
You know the next day I phoned that friend of mine, I phoned him. I said,
"Andy -- Dave -- Andy -- Dave." I said "that..."
I said, "That rich widow ..." He said "widow? No, no, no, no, WEIRDO."
Um, you like jazz?
Oh, here we go....
"76 trombones hit the big parade ..." (76 rimshots)
"A hundred and ten cornets right behind." (110 rimshots)
There he goes. Mark Alliss on speed.
Sild-uh! Sild-uh! Sild-uh! Sild-uh! Sild-uh!
Alright, what goes 99 thump? Right? It's a proper joke. I've only got one.
99 -- thump? What goes? Anyone?
No, an ice cream man being mugged. Now, we, uh ...
"Get outta here; you guys slay me."
Ee, ah, uh, ur, ur, oh, ehh, Macauley Culkin.
Uh, (whimpering) hello everyone, wait a minute, what am I doing here?
I was crucified three days ago! (whimper)
What's going on? Uh...
Have you though of one? Did you think of one, Barry?
Bonnie Tyler, yes. Very good. Yes. Nice one! Nice one.
A round, you get a round for that one. Anyone else?
Anthea Turner -- no, it's a specialist's job.
You need specialist machinery. I cannot allow it. Uh ...
Peter O'Toole we've had down the front. Very good, yes.
Nigel Planer's a nice one.
(ignores calls from audience) Yeah, fun, isn't it? But is it entertainment?
You don't really need me here for that, do you?
Now, there's never, there's never been a ...
Roger Black and Desmond Decker, there's my favorite.
Individually no, but together as a team, yes.
Uh, you never see any Du-, there's never been like a really well-known Dutch detective, has there?
There's never been like a really well-known Dutch detective, is there?
Um, um? Think about it -- there's a very good reason for that, if you think about it.
It's very difficult to creep up on someone wearing wooden shoes.
(clopping sound) (grunts)
Now uh ...
Oh! Mustafa, how did you gain access to Pharaoh's bed chamber?
(whimpers) The picture fades. Uh...
I'll be honest with you, I'm a bit upset this week because, uh, my uh bumbag burst.
I can't find my vehicle registration document anywhere.
Wait a minute, why did I tie that knot in there for? Oh yeah: war dead.
Uh...
Now, you're probably like me, you divide people into two, into two broad groups
according to their personality traits. Do you? Hm? The cats and the snakes.
Hm? Back me up on this. You divide people into two broad ...
the cats and the snakes, according to their personality traits.
Am I right? Back me up on this. Uh...
If you like, madam, I can allocate you which broad group you fall into. Are you up for that?
Cat, ah!, or the snake, ssssss, the snake. You up for that?
Okay, if you'd like to tell me a bit about yourself, uh,
I can allocate you which group you fall into. What's your name, for starters?
Sam? Short for ...? Samanatha. Short for ...?
Okay. And you've been allocated a surname, have you?
Okay. What was the surname allocation?
Eaves. Samantha Eaves. Of course. Okay.
All the time I'm thinking, cat or snake, which is she? Cat or snake? Uh,
Okay, Samantha Eaves, uh, what do you for a living? Are you in employment currently?
Housewife and mother, of course. Very important job of course, the housewife, isn't it?
It's... (hoover sound). A lot of that, isn't it? (hoover sound)
Oh, and, "Neighbors." Uh...
Of course not. No. There's more to it than that. Uh, and you get the long holidays.
Uh, no, I do apologize. There's a wash- washer dryer, and "Home and Away."
Uh, course not. Uh, now, the ...
I do apologize. All the time I'm thinking, cat or snake.
Which is she? Uh, okay, do you have a favorite color, Samantha Eaves?
If you had to choose? Your favorite color.
Blue? Okay. Cat or snake, Samantha Eaves.
She's a housewife, favorite color blue. If you had to choose, which would you rather sleep in:
a big wicker basket with a lid or in front of a nice hot fire?
Now, you ...
(hums Hawaii Five-O)
You get your photos back, hm? You get your photos back,
you think, "What did I take that one for?" You think, "What did I take that one for?"
"What did I take ..." Then you remember: you're a crime scene photographer for the ...
"What did I take that one for, hm?" Have we got any crime scene photographers in at all?
Any crime scene photographers? No? Okay.
Anyone in who marks out the deceased's body at the scene of a murder? Anyone?
There's normally a couple. Hm? Presumably.
Presumably if you're one of those people and you're driving to the murder scene like that,
unconsciously you're thinking, "Well I hope they've died on lino."
You're thinking something smooth like lino, cause the tape goes down nice and easy,
comes up nice and easy at the end. You could re-use it and cut down your overheads.
And you get there, and what is it? Carpet tiles! Ohh god!
There's grit all sticking to the underside of the tape.
The carpet tiles are coming up as you're pulling the tape up.
Why did you have to die on such a gritty surface?
Well, perhaps we should wrap things up while we're ahead, fellas.
But Harry, what about Stouffer?
Stouffer? I haven't seen him all day.
--"Oh lordy, trouble so hard. Oh lordy, trouble so hard."
I'll see if I can see him.
--"Nobody know my troubles but God.
--"Don't nobody know my troubles but God.
--"Oh lordy, trouble so hard. Oh lordy, trouble so hard.
--"Don't nobody know my troubles but God.
--"Don't nobody know my troubles but God."
It's Stouffer, ladies and gentlemen, here he is.
--"Get my honey come back, sometimes.
--"Get my honey come back, sometimes."
Alright, Stouffer, that's enough, that's enough.
--Oh, Mr. Harry, I do like Moby.
Uh, for those you up the back, if you can't see Stouffer awfully well,
this is, uh, this is what they're seeing.
That's what they're seeing down the front.
Um, how'ya doing, Stouffer?
--Oh, not so happy, Mr. Harry. Why is that?
--Well, I found out why I am the color that I am. Well, why is that?
(mumbles) Your mother? (mumbles) With a Smurf?
Uh....
--Tell me, Sam, do you like food out of a tin that stinks?
--Or you like to dislocate your jaw and swallow small mammals whole?
Okay. Now, uh....
--Larry Sanders. Yes, you could have had Larry Sanders as a nice one.
--Steps. Steps is a good one.
Um ... okay, now ...
So we've come up with an invention, Stouffer and I ...
That's it, Stouffer, you help ... Uh ...
There we are. Uh ... what?
Uh, we've come up with an invention;
you know when you've got a nice piece of fish ... Ah!
Oh, a nice piece of fish. And you can get the, uh, vinegar on top of the fish,
can't you, that's, uh ... but it tends to skate over the s-- ...
--It tend to skate over the surface. It tends to skate over the surface like ...
--Like uh ... What would be an good analogy for that, Stouffer?
--Uh, skates over the surface like water off a, uh, bundle of grease-proof paper.
Yes, that would be a good one. A good analogy.
You got a better one?
Um, So what it is, i-i-it's the Vinegar Duck.
I don't know if you can pass that around ...
What it is, it's a conventional vinegar dispenser with an attenuated nostril. Nozule. Nozzle.
Nozzle. Nozzle. Pass it around, madam.
Yeah, that's it, pass that around.
Yes, if we all spent that long looking at it ... you know we're not all gonna get a decent ...
uh, you know, just use your loaf for pity's sake, sweetheart.
Um, the, we're ... Now...
Okay, I'm looking for backers. A prob- ... you know what, I'm a bit anxious doing that because
the last time I, I came up with an invention I passed it around
like that and I never got the bit of paper back.
Yeah. Three years later, Microsoft Word for Windows.
--That was one of yours. Yeah, that was one of mine, Stouffer.
Uh, while that is busy circulating, uh, ha ha ...
it's absolutely fascinating, isn't it?
What I thought we'd do is open the floor for any questions for Stouffer.
--Yeah, any questions for Stouffer.
An informal question and answer session, if you will, of my tiny blue friend.
Anyone got any questions?
How old are you? Is a good question for Stouffer from the third row back there.
Okay, well, I'll put it to him.
Tell me, Stouffer. How old are you?
--Well, I have many ages and many lives.
Yeah, he's a Buddhist. That's basically Buddhism, isn't it?
Something to do with lives anyway. Uh ...
--Yeah, uh, I can remember any time of any age. I can remember some detail of it.
If you perhaps, uh, would like to follow that question up by naming a date, he can give you ...
see if he can remember...
July the 7th ...
1972. Okay. Uh... --Overcast.
Very overcast. It was overcast that day. It's what sticks in his mind.
Uh, any other questions for Buddha -- Stouffer! Sorry.
One more question, I think.
Have you got a girlfriend, from up the back there. Well, I'll put that to him.
Have you got a girlfriend, Stouffer? --Oh yeah. I got a girlfriend.
Oh, you asked her out, did you? --Oh yeah. Check it out. Stouffer. Check it out.
Did she decline? --No.
Didn't she mind? --I don't think so.
Was it for real? --Damn sure.
What was the deal? --A pretty girl aged 24.
So was she keen? --She couldn't wait.
Cinnamon queen? --Let me update.
What did she say? --She said she'd love to rendezvous.
--She asked me what we were gonna do, said we'd start with a bottle of Moet for two.
Monday, took for a drink on Tuesday
--We were making love on Wednesday. On Thursday, Friday, Saturday, we chilled on Sunday.
I met the girl on Monday --Took for a drink on Tuesday
--We were making love on Wednesday, Thursday, (grunting)
--The crowd say Bo' Selecta. Sorted. Respect due.
Stouffer there, ladies and gentlemen! That's all I do! Brilliant! Goodnight!
"The most beautiful leader of the ..."
"Sex bomb."
We'll be having a ... we better wind up now fellas, haven't we?
You think? What we're gonna do, we're gonna leave you with some pretty thoughts.
So many of our young comedians will send you away with an ugly thought,
a profanity, even. We're gonna send you away with some pretty thoughts. Thank you.
Butterfly in blue jeans. Hamster in a chiffon top.
Puppy in a poncho. Fluffy duckling with a bob.
Butterfly in blue jeans. These are the things of our dreams.
Of our dreams. Of our dreams.
These are the things of our dreams -- eeems.
(Glenn Miller's "In the Mood" plays)
(Elvis Presley's "Jailhouse Rock" plays)
(Tony Orlando and Dawn's "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree")
(Punk song, "I Got Nothin'")
(Steps's "Love's Got a Hold of My Heart")
(Tony Orlando and Dawn's "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree")