Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up?

A hairdresser's apocalypse:
The curled will end not with bangs but a wimple.

If a cartoonist goes back to the drawing board, where does a satirist go?  Back to the irony board.

Did you hear about the Zen Nudist Monastery?  They meditate on volleyball.

Did you hear about the scandal at the Ephemera society?  Apparently, their journal is printed on acid-free paper.  No doubt there'll be a high turnover on their board of directors ... again.

(Note to the Ephemera Society: just kidding!)

How is a university unlike a military academy?

A university has more majors (and even some double majors, not to mention majorettes).

When the landlord told the fashion model to vacate, she merely stared at him.
When he told her to get moving, she walked away, pivoted, then came right back.
When he said she was thick-headed, she was offended, but for the wrong reason.

Q: Where's the best effing place to live in Illinois? 

A: Effingham!

What's it called when the Grim Reaper says "Nighty Night?"

A "euthanism."

Q: What do you call cryptic questions such as these:

     What is the sound of a kidnapped baby crying in Arizona?

     What was Barton Fink's face before he moved to L.A.?

A: Zen Coens

What's it called when you order a go-cup of Pepsi because they don't offer Coke?  A concession.

When there's instant gratification to spare, it's "extant gratification."

When daydreams take you miles away: "yearneying"

Q: What's the best way to obtain Aunt Jemima's secret recipe? 

A: Surreptitiously!

Lemonade is sublime.

Q: What do you call fancy homemade stationery in which the rose petals tend to fall off? 

A: Loose leaf.

If it's the last stick of gum, eschew it.

Why did the Catholic priest put soap powder in the baptismal font?  It had something to do with the Unwashed Masses.

I've always found pithy fables hard to swallow, so the doctor checked my AESOPhagus.