Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up?

Why was King Neptune happy as a clam? 

The world was his oyster.

The venture capitalist family is very supportive of their son who has an earning disability.

The revolving door saleman is very supportive of his twins who suffer from vertigo and have a turning disability.

The dairy farming family is very supportive of their daughter who has a churning disability.

The typographer is very supportive of her son who has no spatial sense and has a kerning disability.

The pyromaniac family is very supportive of their child who is allergic to matches and has a burning disability.

Mr. and Mrs. Claus are very supportive of their elf who has no sense of nostalgia and has a yearning disability.

The Italian city of Pisa is very supportive of its tower that has a leaning disorder.

Q: What do you call a diet clinic's accountant?

A: A bean counter.

What do you call a community of paper with an organized system of government?
Ruled

How can you tell a homeless piece of paper?
High rag content

What might British people call a ball of unwanted paper?
A tosser

A piece of paper walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "You look parched."

A couple is eating dessert in a restaurant.  A piece of paper walks up to the table and says, "Hi, I'm Bill."

What's a piece of paper's favorite underwear?  A slip.

Though King Neptune championed rights, he had one exoskeleton in his closet (that only his doctor knew): he was shellfish intolerant.

The publicist for that bedsheets firm just got sacked.  Apparently, she had made too many blanket statements.  There are whispers of a king-sized money laundering scheme that would have folded the company and taken everyone to the cleaners.  Police are already on the case, and the details are being ironed out.  (It's a royal case of mistaken identities, because she's a twin, you see.)  Her career shouldn't be affected: she's already turned down one offer. 

When Yul, the fireplace salesman, retired due to burnout, his son assumed the mantle.

Did you see the new movie, "When Harry Fell in Love with Sally Over a Bowl of Porridge"? 

Ugh -- it's just romantic mush.

Did you hear the one I just made up about the post office?  Everybody knows that you can send letters to Santa Claus.  But did you know that the post office also handles letters addressed to Satan?  Alas, those letters always come back, marked "Return to Cinder."

My problem with Xmas is that so many of the wrapped gifts have strings attached.

Why is a squid's word better than its deed?  Squids sign their deeds with erasable ink.

Why is squid graffiti so vicious?  It's the irascible ink.

Squid ink is both indelible and inedible -- or so they would have you believe!

Why did the squid's world come tumbling down?  It was juggling too much at once.

All squid police are armed.

Squid police never take fingerprints (too much work).  Instead, they take ink samples (hence the phrase "police blotter").  The ink blots also provide instant Psych Evals, which can come in very handy.

Did you hear the one I made up about the pragmatic Buddhist monk? 

He left nothing to chants.

What do you call lamb pellets?

Fleeces (pronounced fleece-eez).

Diver A: "Where did you get swimmer's ear?"
Diver B (smart aleck): "In the canal."

Q: Jack graduated last in his class at optometry school.  There were 99 higher grade-point-averages than his.  How many pupils were there?

A. 200 (all bleary from studying)
B. 199 (our hero was a one-eyed Jack)
C. 202 (Suzie was nicknamed "four eyes")
D. 579 (Timmy brought his collection of glass eyes to Show-and-Tell)
E. All of the above, depending on how you count
F. Does Oedipus figure into this?

Did you hear that prospective factory workers in Chicago have to see a psychologist as part of the interview?  Apparently it's to "look for the Jungian label."

I'm mad at my friend the veterinarian.  He only calls me when he's in the doghouse.  But I expect to hear from him again in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

What about the librarian?  Oh, he's in my good books.

Did you hear about the filmmaker who went in for Jungian analysis?  Yeah, he had some major *projection* issues.

Did you hear about the gourmet mystery writer who was surprised to find a spent citrus wedge garnishing his key lime pie?  He said: "This is an unexpected twist!"

I'm mad at my friend the yoga student.  He only calls when he's in over his head.