CRAIG CONLEY (Prof. Oddfellow) is recognized by Encarta as “America’s most creative and diligent scholar of letters, words and punctuation.” He has been called a “language fanatic” by Page Six gossip columnist Cindy Adams, a “cult hero” by Publisher’s Weekly, a “monk for the modern age” by George Parker, and “a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure” by Clint Marsh. An eccentric scholar, Conley’s ideas are often decades ahead of their time. He invented the concept of the “virtual pet” in 1980, fifteen years before the debut of the popular “Tamagotchi” in Japan. His virtual pet, actually a rare flower, still thrives and has reached an incomprehensible size. Conley’s website is OneLetterWords.com.
Here's a precursor from Ninifaye's "If life gives you lemons, pack them up in your suitcase and make a nice cake when home." From the University of Maryland's Terra Mariae yearbook, 1908. (For some unbelievably weird yearbook imagery, see our How to Hoodoo Hack a Yearbook.)
Here's a precious secret of immortality: train a peach tree to spell "Davie," and you'll not only live forever but also enjoy luscious peaches. This we learn in The Peach and Nectarine by David Taylor Fish, 1879. But note in the text that only immortality is guaranteed, and the peaches are a mere "perhaps."
We say that "apples and oranges" can't be expressed as a ratio, and that's because mathematics is citrus-based and prejudiced against apples. Note that "tangerine" and "tangent" share the same Latin source, "tangere" ("touching"); "satsumas" and "summations" are derived from the Latin "summa" ("highest"); "lemons" and "lemniscates" both come from the ancient Greek island of Lemnos. It's worth pondering ("ponder" has the same Latin root as the Ponderosa lemon ["weigh"]) just how Ugli the citrus bias is, my little Clementine.
"The New-York Anti-Orange-Peel and Banana-Skin Association, as they appear in their great humanitarian feat of clearing the side-walks." From Punchinello, April 9, 1870. [Notice all those hyphens in the caption. Under a microscope, each hyphen is, in turn, a miniature orange peel and banana skin.]
A surrealist illustration from a 1906 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. The caption reads: "The great sphere I recognized after closer scrutiny as an orange."
Over a century before Motown "heard it through the grapevine," climbing and trailing plants of the vine family actually kept secrets instead of spreading them. The caption of this illustration makes it all clear: "Dear ivy, keep my secret safe; / Like him, you cannot guess / That life and love are centered here, / Where I have written—Yes!" (London Society, 1877).