Did you hear the one I just made up about the post office?  Everybody knows that you can send letters to Santa Claus.  But did you know that the post office also handles letters addressed to Satan?  Alas, those letters always come back, marked "Return to Cinder."

My problem with Xmas is that so many of the wrapped gifts have strings attached.

Why is a squid's word better than its deed?  Squids sign their deeds with erasable ink.

Why is squid graffiti so vicious?  It's the irascible ink.

Squid ink is both indelible and inedible -- or so they would have you believe!

Why did the squid's world come tumbling down?  It was juggling too much at once.

All squid police are armed.

Squid police never take fingerprints (too much work).  Instead, they take ink samples (hence the phrase "police blotter").  The ink blots also provide instant Psych Evals, which can come in very handy.

Did you hear the one I made up about the pragmatic Buddhist monk? 

He left nothing to chants.

What do you call lamb pellets?

Fleeces (pronounced fleece-eez).

Diver A: "Where did you get swimmer's ear?"
Diver B (smart aleck): "In the canal."

Q: Jack graduated last in his class at optometry school.  There were 99 higher grade-point-averages than his.  How many pupils were there?

A. 200 (all bleary from studying)
B. 199 (our hero was a one-eyed Jack)
C. 202 (Suzie was nicknamed "four eyes")
D. 579 (Timmy brought his collection of glass eyes to Show-and-Tell)
E. All of the above, depending on how you count
F. Does Oedipus figure into this?

Did you hear that prospective factory workers in Chicago have to see a psychologist as part of the interview?  Apparently it's to "look for the Jungian label."

I'm mad at my friend the veterinarian.  He only calls me when he's in the doghouse.  But I expect to hear from him again in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

What about the librarian?  Oh, he's in my good books.

Did you hear about the filmmaker who went in for Jungian analysis?  Yeah, he had some major *projection* issues.

Did you hear about the gourmet mystery writer who was surprised to find a spent citrus wedge garnishing his key lime pie?  He said: "This is an unexpected twist!"

I'm mad at my friend the yoga student.  He only calls when he's in over his head.

Did you hear about the wise little bunny they found in the Jewish temple?  They named him "Rabbite."

I'm mad at my friend the astrologer.  She only calls me once in a blue moon.

Did you hear about the yogi who came out of trance having written an entire holy book?  Doubters are calling the whole thing premeditated.

Did you hear the one I just made up about the Shroud of Tourette?  This unholy relic doesn't depict a face as such -- more a defacement, with a slew of crude French words that, in their time, would have been considered rather obscene.

I'm mad at my friend the cook.  He only calls me when he's in hot water.

Did you hear about the new religion that centers around desserts?  Their holy book is called the Baklava Gita.

Did you hear about the new Chinese restaurant for gluttons?  Yeah, it's called "Wonton Depravity."