Put the asterisk in ※-mas!

(Thanks, Mike!)

This one's courtesy of literary rapscallion Jonathan Caws-Elwitt:

Q. What did the florist do upon losing his long-standing contract to provide wedding centerpieces?

A. He made other arrangements.

Schrödinger's cat leaves me Bohr-ed.

When they entered Schrödinger's pet into a cat show, it simultaneously took the titles "Best of Breed" and "Best in Show" — until becoming entangled with the judge.

Try putting a live animal into Schrödinger's cat carrier and you'll wish you were dead.

In case of emergency, break glass.

Wineries keep notoriously poor books, because there's no accounting for tasting.

(Thanks, Mike!)

Our caption to this illustration from an 1877 issue of Scribner's Monthly is dedicated to house painters.

Did you hear about the original twist ending of the film Basic Instinct?

Instead of an ice pick, there was a corkscrew under the bed.

Before the "photobomb" phenomenon, in which a third party unexpectedly steps in and ruins a photo, there was the "etch-plosion," in which an engraving was spoiled by an attention-hungry figure in the background.  Consider, for example, this etched illustration from an 1869 issue of Harper's magazine.

A possible motto for a weight loss support group:

Did you hear about how in the next release of the Star Wars films, C3PO and R2R2 will have a new sidekick?  What Lucas is calling an act of "strategic symbiosis" and what critics are decrying as blatant product placement, the iconic robots will be joined by what looks for all the world(s) like a floating iPad.  The name of this superflat sidekick?  B43D.

Creole classification: pidginholing

Don't look a sugar daddy in the teeth.

(Thanks, Mike!)

Here's our guest tweet over at the traffic light on Michigan Avenue.

Turn those e's silent, and Obama has a new slogan if he runs for president of China.*

Hop[e] and Chang[e]

* "Mr. Obama has told people that it would be so much easier to be the president of China." —The Washington Examiner

[Thanks, Mike!]

Paddling in school is controversial.  Yet how will students row, row, row their boats gently down the stream without a paddle?

Did you hear about the stage magician who toyed with yoga?  His kundalini rose as a balloon snake.