William Keckler offers "Somewhat Belated Advice for Marie Antoinette":

Don't dress or coif onself
too much like a turkey
amidst millions
of starving French peasants,
as one might just
get treated like one.

We would add: When plastering the walls with jewels, substitute cut glass for diamonds.  You'll get tons of sparkle as you help to ease the deterioration of the financial situation in France.

 

"[W]here are the words to describe the glorious colours that are unknown to earthly eyes? Where the mind or imagination that can grasp the gorgeous scintillations of unheard-of rays as they emanate from the thousand nameless jewels of Barsoom?"
—Edgar Rice Burroughs, The Gods of Mars, 1918
(via DJMisc)

 

From the inimitable Tom Weller, author of the classic Science Made Stupid, comes this "minim" (the perfect answer to the maxim):

Which are funnier: Dogs or gerbils?

Clue:  This is according to comedy expert Peter Bergman

Answer:  Dogs.  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Fred Goodwin, “The Infinite Mind: Humor” (1998), p. 8

"All those things for which we have no words are lost.  The mind—the culture—has two little tools, grammar and lexicon: a decorated sand bucket and a matching shovel.  With these we bluster about the continents and do all the world's work.  With these we try to save our very lives." —Annie Dillard

 

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

 

SONG: Don't Drop that Dime
ARTIST: Velvet Revolver

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Sweet Caroline o' mine, don't drop that dime on me tonight.

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Sweet Mahler, I holler, don't drop that dollar on me tonight.

"Someone ought to write a Book of Etiquette for Scientific Institutes which would enumerate the do's and don'ts for such occasions."
—Institute of Vitreous Enamellers, Metal Finishing Journal, 1966, p. 194.

I have worn certain letters off my keyboard.
"M" and "N" vanished together (aMNesia?)
V is half there? (My half-cocked loVe?)
—William Keckler

 

Which number is funnier: 14 or 22?

Clue:  This is according to editor Robert Gottlieb

Answer:  22.  Catch-18 was the original title of Joseph Heller’s novel, but it was changed when a competing novel about WWII also had 18 in the title.  The number 14 was initially suggested, but Heller's editor Robert Gottlieb felt 22 was a funnier number than 14.  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  New York Times Review of Books (1967). 

 

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

 

Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"that you all kneel down." —E. E. Cleal, "Influence," 1920

"More like the patron saint of saunas."
—Bernard MacLaverty, Grace Notes

 

"Someone ought to write a book about the psychology of the circus and its audiences."
—August Heinrich Kober, Circus Nights and Circus Days, 1931, p. 231.

Which is funnier: the pen or the sword?

Clue:  This is according to Socialist Review

Answer:  The pen.  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Peter Morgan, “Interview: The Pen is Funnier Than the Sword,” Socialist Review (Feb. 2005)

This puzzle grid contains several big words. Can you find them?

• 7-letter words: 31
• 8-letter words: 11
• 9-letter words: 1

All letters in the word must touch (in any direction), and no square may be reused.

Click to display solutions

 

Comedy is "at risk."  And that would be funny if it weren't so:

1. serious
2. unwittingly ironic
3. provoking
4. stupid
5. pathetic
6. prevalent
7. frustrating
8. tragic
9. dangerously misinformed
10. terrifying
11. sad
12. pitiful
13. ludicrous
14. destructive
15. impressive
16. gross
17. scary
18. true
19. disastrous
20. disgusting
21. painful
22. probable
23. terrible
24. patently ridiculous
25. sincere
26. perverse
27. unfunny
28. horrible
29. stressful
30. outrageous
31. ill-bred
32. sickening
33. insulting
34. crazy
35. typical
36. deadly
37. insidious
38. grotesque
39. significant
40. absurd
41. real
42. despicable
43. wicked
44. bitter
45. wide of the mark
46. common
47. moralizing
48. filled with pathos
49. vile
50. cruel
51. appalling
52. hideous
53. painfully revealing
54. very nearly unbearable
55. important
56. predictable
57. expensive
58. heartbreaking
59. damn personal

"Our only certainty is that the wheel will turn."
—Pamela Kristan, The Spirit of Getting Organized

 

Disguising the Identity of an Author

 

Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"You have to start from scratch." —Wong Kiew Kit, The Art of Shaolin Kung Fu, 2002

Which is funnier: eighty grand or a cigar?

Clue:  This is according to Always Tip the Dealer by Gary Ross

Answer:  eighty grand.  “Eighty grand looks funnier than a cigar.  A lot funnier.  People laugh.”  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Gary Ross, Always Tip the Dealer (1982), p. 145.

In honor of funsmith Bernie DeKoven.

 

"Some one ought to write a book on the Strength of the Weaklings."
—Leighton Parts, qtd. in The American Church Monthly, Vol. 8, 1920, p. 250.

Even the dust bunnies
are made of days and days.
—William Keckler

"To glack one's mitten" is to put money into someone's hand, as a gift or as a bribe (John Jamieson, An Etymological Dictionary of the Scottish Language, Vol. 2).

"Doing the laundry was not exactly in the same league as rocket science."
—Frank Larson, Baloney on Wry

 

 

What is funnier than a fellow going off with the wrong hat at a restaurant?

Clue:  This is according to The Living Age magazine, 1901.

Answer:  Almost anything.  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  The Living Age, Vol. 230 (1901), p. 716.

This puzzle grid contains several big words. Can you find them?

• 7-letter words: 13
• 8-letter words: 2

All letters in the word must touch (in any direction), and no square may be reused.

Click to display solutions

I found "clonings" as my first word and that was enough of an achievement to earn me three hours of bad television. Or so I rationalized. If cloning is not there, don't tell me. I didn't click on the answers. As soon as I saw I-N-G-S I knew the God of the Grid wouldn't be so cruel as to give us that convenient coda without providing at least one word to pin it to.

Are gabions the elemental particles of insubstantial talk?

Good call, Nada!

"We don't approach cooking in the same way as rocket science."
—Meta B. Doherty, Sattwa Cafe

Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"that we do not go to pieces internally." —Learned Hand, The Spirit of Liberty, 1959

SONG: Dime
ARTIST: Cake

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

I'm a dime
I'm fine
And I shine, I'm freshly minted

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

I'm a quarter
I oughta
Be hotter than a yachter

Cake's lyrics are the bestest. I like your update. I thought it was so hokey when Chris Meloni as Detective Whoever on Law & Order SVU was waiting by a payphone saying, "Come on...drop a dime on us" about some criminal whose call they were expecting. First, nobody says that anymore. Because it hasn't been a dime in ages. Next, it means to rat somebody out, and they were waiting for a call from a serial killer leaving clues, i.e. he was not ratting on anyone. And lastly, the show just sucked. It sucked donkey dong the way the Dutch language sucks vowels. Chris Meloni is now trapped in the universe of Being Chris Meloni. This happens to so many actors. It should have a name and a diagnosis that ends in "Syndrome."

Prof. Oddfellow responds:

Yes, so many actors get trapped in the universe of Being [Said Actor] that there should indeed be a name and diagnosis that ends in "Syndrome."  May I suggest that the word "Depp" be incorporated into the name?

 

 

"Nothing is harder, yet nothing is more necessary, than to speak of certain things whose existence is neither demonstrable nor probable.  The very fact that serious and conscientious men treat them as existing things brings them a step closer to existence and to the possibility of being born."
—Hermann Hesse, The Glass Bead Game, translated by Richard & Clara Winston

Drifting on air without a care
Purple snowflakes
Cover the ground without a sound

—Marvin Gaye, Purple Snowflakes, 1964

"There ought to be a book analyzing Canadian literature from a spiritual poverty angle."
—Alan Twigg, Strong Voices, 1988, p. 222.

Which dog is funnier: a schnauzer or a bulldog?

Clue:  This is according to an attorney

Answer:  bulldog  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  David F. D’Alessandro and Michelle Owens, Brand Warfare (2001), p. 60

"Something interesting happens at 6:00 o'clock."
—Ram Dass, Grist for the Mill