Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"you must tell no one." —John Ortberg, If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat, 2001

 

New Scientist reports that


We are in a position to know the vital statistics of the rabbit on the moon:

Weight: 3 lb (1.4 kg)
Length: 16 in. (41 cm)
Fur Color: Grayish brown on top and white underneath.
Habitat: Both sun and shade.

"Ah, the spoon, the perfect spoon!  In its mystic bowl all men are one, and so are all women.  Champagne and shoulders, poetry and long scarves, loftiness, altruism, souls, hard work, conscience, sacrifice, all fuse into perfect oneness in the spoon.  All Whitman’s Songs of Himself and Other People lie in the hollow of a spoon.  If you seek the Infinite and the Nirvana, look not to death nor the after-life, nor yet to pure abstraction: but into the hollow spoon.”
—D. H. Lawrence, Mr Noon

From the inimitable Tom Weller, author of the classic Science Made Stupid, comes this "minim" (the perfect answer to the maxim):

 

In the film Monsieur Hulot's Holiday, which is funnier: the shape of Hulot’s car, or the noise the car makes?

Clue:  This is according to a film critic.

Answer:  the noise.  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Jay Leyda, Voices of Film Experience: 1894 to the Present (1977), p. 455.

"There ought to be a book on the Art of Clear Thinking."
—Bertrand Russell, Autobiography, 1998, p. 490.

This puzzle grid contains several big words. Can you find them?

• 7-letter words: 11
• 8-letter words: 3
• 9-letter words: 1

All letters in the word must touch (in any direction), and no square may be reused.

Click to display solutions

 

A new booklet by Prof. Oddfellow promises a mystic vision in one minute.  (Staring at the sun isn't required; the effect will work with a light bulb.)

"I don't think something something something is very threatening."
—Philippa Gregory, The Other Boleyn Girl

Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"that you will learn chemistry." —Annual Report of the Board of Regents of the Smithsonian Institution, 1863

 

Which are funnier: Chickens or ducks?

Clue:  This is according to comedy expert Peter Bergman

Answer:  Chickens.  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Fred Goodwin, “The Infinite Mind: Humor” (1998), p. 8

From our outpost at Blogger:

Bringing a snowman to life isn't rocket science.  Our whimsical take on the Tarot magician is in honor of home automation expert Gordon Meyer (of Smart Home Hacks fame) whose magic spell for vivifying a snowman appears in Magic Words: A Dictionary.)

The walls were adorned with blue wallpaper, all tattered, it is true, and behind it, in the cracks, cockroaches swarmed in terrible numbers, so that there was an incessant rustling.

—Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov, translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky, 1990

Anonymous says:

Tertium quid, said the inner ghost of antiquity.

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

 

"He places the tube to his ear and the answer comes."
—The Carpet Trade Review, Vol 5, No 11, Nov. 1878

"Somebody should write a book on the history of history."
—Kim Heacox, The Only Kayak, 2006, p. 162.

Here's our translation of the Xs and Os of this book cover, using The X-O-Skeleton Story Generator.  As we don't know the order of play, we read the letters row by row, left to right:

 

Who are funnier in their vices: women or men?

Clue:  This is according to novelist Ernest Hebert

Answer:  Men  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Ernest Hebert, The Old American (2000), p. 255

 

Here's one for linguists:

What's an allophone in French? 

An allo-allophone.

 

We were tickled by this line from a film synopsis:

"The 1994 restoration [of Die Finanzen des Großherzogs] confirms that this is indeed a farce by FW Murnau." 

We've always thought that one should never judge a film's genre without having seen the original negative.  The Murnau bombshell almost beats that time they restored the Sistine Chapel and confirmed that it was all an elaborate self-portrait of Michelangelo.

Unnecessary Attribution
(of brief, public-domain utterances)

by literary rapscallion Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

Prof. Oddfellow adds:
Gary Barwin adds:

As God said, ". . ."

 

"There should be a book about a girl having a pirate adventure."
—Brad Strickland & Barbara Strickland, No-Rules Weekend, 2001, p. 37.

Today's question:

Did Tiger Woods fall from grace?*

With "hindpsych," the answer is "yes"!  In our Tarot spread, the center card shows a figure cleaning up a mess.  Note that he is flanked by the ideals of family life (the Ten of Cups) and prosperity (the King of Pentacles), yet his face is buried as he struggles to pick up the pieces.  Like mocking reflections of golf clubs, the leafing wands in the center card are phallic symbols of potency, suggesting that Tiger Woods is reaping the seeds he has sown.  We can say with confidence that Tiger Woods turned away from the promise of domestic bliss and financial success to multiply his phallic power.  And it's all he can do to handle it.

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

Which is funnier: Seneca’s The Pumpkinification of the Divine Claudius or Byron’s Vision of Judgment?

Clue:  This is according to a scholar of medieval Latin poetry

Answer:  The Pumpkinification of the Divine Claudius  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Helen Waddell, The Wandering Scholars of the Middle Ages (1927), p. xxv. 

Yes, you may . . . on one condition:

"You are to keep your mother's wood-box full all winter long, and do it yourself." —Louisa May Alcott, Little Men

Thinks: Oh, joy, a loophole! It was not specified that I must fill the wood-box with wood. This will do nicely for my back issues of Punchinello.

 

Some Forgotten Saints You Might Want to Call Upon in Your Hour(s) of Need

courtesy of William Keckler

1. Saint Grippius--Patron Saint of Jar Lids So Tight They Drive One to Blasphemy or to Sell One's Immortal Soul

2. Saint Orapurulentia--Patron Saint of Tongue Piercings Which Get Infected and Do Not Respond to Amoxicillin or Second or Third Line Antibiotics

3. Saint Blepharius--Patron Saint of Annoying But Probably Harmless Eyelid Twitches

4. Saint Prophylactscissus ("Father Rough Plow")--Patron Saint of Broken Condoms (better offer a Novena!)

5. Saint Uhmm--Patron Saint of Awkward Silences

6. Saint Papyrmnesia--Patron Saint of Forgotten or Lost Receipts

7. Saint Hydromnesia of Antigua--Patron Saint of Those Who Forget to Flush (especially before the arrival of company)

8. Saint Pousseriana--Patron Saint and Protectress of Dust Bunnies

9. Saint Orthoplastia--Patron Saint of Plastic Surgery Gone Awry

10. Saint Pseudomirthia--Patron Saint of Those Who Must Fake Laughter at the Unfunny Humor of Bosses, Spouses, etc. (She will help loyal supplicants conjure a suitably "believable" fake titter).

"As I stared at the sun, it no longer shone brightly but became dark, as black as a piece of black cloth."
—A Navajo Legacy: The Life and Teachings of John Holiday

 

"Someone ought to write a book on how to cope with a bored genius child."
—Jane Jennings, Why Joy?, 1978, p. 49.

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

"Is the real secret of power that when it seems greatest, it is dying?"
—D. Lamar Jacks, "Newgrange"

 

"In dreams, I use my hands to propel myself through the dense atmosphere. I am heavy; I am unable to move quickly in the viscosity of the place. I pull myself forward with my fingertips, but not along the ground. A tapestry of woven strands lies below me and stretches out in front. This is how I move.

"In dreams, I negotiate a labyrinth. My mazes are open fields and dark interior spaces. They are inhabited, but no one is like me. They are obstacles and distractions, and I move past them on my way to freedom.

"In dreams, I don't remember the dull slumber of my waking hours."

—Jeff, Omegaword

What is funnier than the innocent bystander who gets a cream pie in his face, slips on a banana peel, and lands in a garbage truck?

Clue:  This is according to a legal expert

Answer:  Nothing  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Judith Nisse Shklar, The Faces of Injustice (1990), p. 36.

"Slouched against a wall and rolling his eyes like the patron saint of boredom."
—Chris Fuhrman, The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys

 

"Someone ought to write a book on England's Golden Ages."
—Maurice Eli Goldberg, 100,000 Years of Art, 1930, p. 254.

Christopher Williams shares this unicorn-related word:

---

Q. What's black and white and red all over?

U. My horn!

---

 

From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:

 

Which age is funnier: 39 or 40?

Clue:  This is according to comic Jack Benny

Answer:  39.  “The age jokes ... didn’t start until he was 55, and a nurse in a sketch asked him his age; he paused and said 36.  It got a big laugh, so he remained 36 for the rest of the season.  The following year, he was 37; in the next, 38.  He decided to freeze at 39, because it’s a funnier number than 40.”  (The answer is in black text on the black background.  Highlight it to view.)

Citation:  Garry Giddins, Natural Selection (2006), p. 33

Today's subject: the passing of Michael Jackson.

To experience serenity (10 of Cups), one must quest uncharted areas (3 of Wands) and open to the unknown (High Priestess).  What is left in one's wake: love.

 

One of our lesser-known works (so carefully circulated that even we haven't mentioned it here on Abecedarian during the book's four years in publication!) is The Collected Lost Meanings of Christmas.  For those who know the meaning of Christmas but can't use it in a sentence, we collected 126 distinct definitions of the holiday, with literary quotations.  Check the description over at Amazon.com for a surprising snippet.

"How do you carve yourself out of your self?"
—The North Dakota Quarterly

The gauges sizzled with blue light. Long sparks crackled along the wall. Somewhere a red light blinked, like a silent, threatening eye, and a vial behind Joachim's back was filled with a green glow. Then everything calmed down; the spectacle of lights vanished.
—Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain, translated by John E. Woods. Mann is describing the workings of a primitive X-ray machine.

 

"There ought to be a book that tells the story of interesting companies that have disappeared from the economic landscape, and describes how they lived, how they died, and how they fit into the evolution of capitalism."
—Peter Lynch & John Rothchild, Learn to Earn, 1997, p. 190.