Over the past four years, British recording artist Benjamin Berry (of Fear of Tigers fame) has been working on a musical companion to our Field Guide to Identifying Unicorns by Sound.  As we simply can't wait for that release, we've been recording some tracks of our own, in conjunction with voice artists Jonathan Caws-Elwitt, Hilary Caws-Elwitt, Robert Parker, and Karen Kahler.  We've even worked in some fantastical unicorn facts not previously revealed in the field guide.  Our first recordings are available for free listening over at Soundcloud.  Remember that for every heart icon you click, a baby unicorn takes its first steps.

Jonathan Caws-Elwitt suggests "Postmodern fiction gimmick #835: I envision a novel, set in an office, which is printed on loose sheets of 8 1/2 x 11 'memo' paper, with each chapter in a separate manila folder.  Footnotes could be on Post-Its.  The whole thing is (not) bound in a big green Pendaflex hanging file folder."

Jonathan Caws-Elwitt suggests that someone should write a book or paper entitled Double Talk: A Deep-Structure Analysis of Binary Repetition Patterns in Anthropomorphized Animal Imperatives within English-Language Juvenile Formulae.  [For example]:

"Ladybug, ladybug [fly away home]"

"Pussycat, pussycat [where have you been]"

"Teddy bear, teddy bear [touch the ground]"

[Jonathan Caws-Elwitt suggests that someone should write] "a humorous midlife-crisis novel called Coffee Name, about someone who gives a barista a fake, 'easy' name with his or her drink order (which, for anyone who doesn't know, is sometimes called a 'coffee name')... and then, catching the eye of an attractive stranger and acting on a crazy impulse, assumes the coffee name 'for real,' along with a radically different identity and personality, and begins indulging in an exuberant fantasy lifestyle he/she never dared pursue before.  So, basically, the old 'new identity' formula, with a cute new premise/title.  [For example]:

"Oh!" she said.  "Sorry."

"No problem, Blake," he replied cheerfully.

Blake?  Oh, right, Clotilde reminded herself, that's what I just gave as my coffee name.  And, wow, was this guy nice looking when he smiled.  She'd seen him almost every day at the cafe--they'd even exchanged pleasantries--but she'd never noticed how cute he was.

Why wasn't it socially acceptable to just ask for a relative stranger's phone number in line at a coffee joint on a Monday morning?  Why did it have to be a bar on a Friday night?

Maybe if she were really a woman called Blake, instead of Clotilde the harried corporate accountant, she'd do things like that.  Maybe if...

The impulse overcame her before she had the opportunity to resist it. "Hey, could I maybe call you next weekend?  I'll be down on Cape May painting a mural all week, but I'll be back on Friday."

A chill ran through her as soon as the words were out of her mouth.  Clotilde knew damn well she didn't have an artistic bone in her body.  Where the hell had this Cape May painter stuff come from?  If she was going to lie in order to impress a hot guy, surely she could have found an easier way to do it than faking a mural.

"I'd love that, Blake."  His smile broadened.  "Wow, an artist, huh?"

"Yeah, an artist," Clotilde answered, with a manic giggle.  There was no turning back now.

From the home office of Jonathan Caws-Elwitt:

"[It] doesn't have to be pickles, but pickles are funnier." —Jonathan Caws-Elwitt, context unnecessary

According to my dictionary, "tommyrot" comes from "tommy" meaning "fool" and "rot," of course, meaning "nonsense."  So tommyrot is a high-grade, real fool's nonsense, and not just any old generic, amateur nonsense.  Similarly, I suppose, "tomfoolery" would be first-class fool's foolery, as distinct from your basic layperson's foolery. —Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

Courtesy of literary scalawag Jonathan Caws-Elwitt:

"My meditation coach and I just couldn't get along. Last week I got really annoyed with him, and yesterday he said he thought it would be best if we terminated the relationship."

"Oh, that's too bad. I hope there weren't any hard feelings."

"Well, I'm not so sure. His last words to me were, 'As you exit this phase of your life, be mindful of the space between the gate into the next part of your journey and that part of yourself which trails behind.'"

"So?

"So... I think that translates into, 'Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.'"

"Nonsense is, technically, done a disservice by its own name.  After all, nonsense is so much more than the absence or even antithesis of sense. It is the presence of superlative silliness!  That said, I love the word 'nonsense' in its own right, and wouldn't want to see it changed." —literary scalawag Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

"I'll thank you not to talk utter nonsense," she said.  So I stopped talking utter nonsense... but later on, after I'd gone home, I realized she never thanked me.  Cheated out of nonsense, again!  —Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

We enjoyed mapping out a fun Jonathan Caws-Elwitt bit.

From literary scalawag Jonathan Caws-Elwitt:

There was a precocious young zebra,
Who was second to none in cerebra.
She read Plato, con brio,
With Venus in Leo,
And Leibniz when Mars was in Libra.