Found 126 posts tagged ‘jonathan caws-elwitt’ |

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I Found a Penny Today, So Here's a Thought –
April 10, 2013 |
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Now here's a concept, courtesy of the wag (Jonathan Caws-Elwitt): The New York State Thruway service-area map lists which concessions inhabit each service area. Well, I'm calling them "concessions"... but apparently, in turnpike corporatese, a Starbucks or a McDonalds in a service area is called a "concept." Thus, the map's legend informs us that "24-hour concepts" appear in bold lettering.
So if you ever wake up in the middle of the night and you can't find the insightful paradigm, penetrating theory, or brilliant idea you came up with earlier in the day... maybe what you have there is a concept that's limited to bankers' hours or standard retail hours. (And if the concept comes and goes at peculiar times of day... well, maybe it's operating on a British pub-licensing schedule!)
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Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up? –
March 28, 2013 |
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Courtesy of literary scalawag Jonathan Caws-Elwitt: "What the Dickens-comma-Charles do you think you're doing!" Here's our rendition of a Dickens comma:
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Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up? –
January 20, 2013 |
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From the desk of literary scalawag Jonathan Caws-Elwitt: "Increasingly I find that I'm writing, not for myself, but so that an audience of readers might appreciate me. I have progressed from narcissism to egotism."
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Forgotten Wisdom –
November 22, 2012 |
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For Jonathan Caws-Elwitt, who doesn't technically care for marshmallows but charmingly likes the idea of them. From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:
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Printed collections of Forgotten Wisdom diagrams are available: Volume I from Mindful Greetings and Volumes II, III and IV from Amazon. Selected posters are also available via Zazzle. |
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Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up? –
November 7, 2012 |
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Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up? –
February 26, 2012 |
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This one's courtesy of Jonathan Caws-Elwitt: Q: What might you call an improv show for rigorous quotation editors? A: Whose Emphasis Is It, Anyway? (Thanks, Jonathan!)
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Forgotten Wisdom –
February 7, 2012 |
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This one is dedicated to Jonathan Caws-Elwitt, who asked, "Is the actual orange I returned with [from the nearby grocery store] the same orange as the abstract orange I planned to obtain? It looked pretty similar."
Jonathan quips: And here's another twist of citrus in the philosophical brew: The orange I came home with separates neatly into the Orange-in-Itself and the "orange" that I perceived (not to mention consumed). By comparison, the abstract orange I went out to buy, if considered separately from any actual, tangible* orange, has no Orange-in-Itself identity. I wonder if that affects the flavor.
Also: When I eat an orange, I omit the rind. Whereas when I imagine, see, and purchase an orange, it is an object that includes the rind. So the "orange" I eat is the inside of the "orange" I buy. No wonder it's called the Orange-in-Itself!
*Tangerines are even more tangible, of course.
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Printed collections of Forgotten Wisdom diagrams are available: Volume I from Mindful Greetings and Volumes II, III and IV from Amazon. Selected posters are also available via Zazzle. |
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Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up? –
February 6, 2012 |
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This one's courtesy of Jonathan Caws-Elwitt: Q. What do you call a fitness coach who isn't fully explicit in her instructions? A. An elliptical trainer. (Thanks, Jonathan!)
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Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up? –
December 12, 2011 |
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This one's courtesy of literary rapscallion Jonathan Caws-Elwitt: Q. What did the florist do upon losing his long-standing contract to provide wedding centerpieces? A. He made other arrangements.
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I Found a Penny Today, So Here's a Thought –
October 7, 2011 |
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Courtesy of literary rapscallion Jonathan Caws-Elwitt: If hiding in plain sight is a time-honored effective strategy, hiding in plain sight in bright colors can only be that much more effective.
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From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook:
Inspired by and dedicated to Jonathan and Hilary Caws-Elwitt:
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Printed collections of Forgotten Wisdom diagrams are available: Volume I from Mindful Greetings and Volumes II, III and IV from Amazon. Selected posters are also available via Zazzle. |
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Go Out in a Blaze of Glory –
September 22, 2010 |
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From Prof. Oddfellow's sketchbook: This item was wholly inspired by Jonathan Caws-Elwitt, in reference to Cynthia Ozick's amazing blurb for Frederic Tuten's Self Portraits: Fictions: "An amazing, glittering, glowing, Proustian, Conradian, Borgesian,
diamond-faceted, language-studded, myth-drowned dream!"
Barely Able writes: I loved this blurb flow chart. It reminds me of the paint swatches at WAL-MART, which are probably the most perfect thing in the store. Which makes me want to destroy them. Or rearrange their perfect order. This is a Luciferian impulse. Did Lucifer really want to destroy? Or did he want to merely re-arrange. En tout cas, it's clear that re-arrangement is a damnable offense. A primordial offense. Perhaps the Ur-Offense. What is literary criticism but an attempt to rearrange artistic works in an imaginary space. It's hilarious. The books stay right where they are put. But if the re-arranger is particularly successful he might have certain books banned or sent to book gulags (thrift stores or worse). In which case, the books find it hard to reproduce. And then they may go extinct. So, overall, I think God is right. He should destroy Satan for being the Great Interior Decorator that he so clearly is. Satan is all about fussiness. There is no sin that does not first begin in fussiness.
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Puzzles and Games –
August 24, 2010 |
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A Can of Yams or a Can of Sweet Potatoes?How well do you know your tubers? In each sentence, guess whether the can of ___ contains yams or sweet potatoes.1. "Her eyes stopped at the single can of ___. That one insignificant can, Katie knew, was her downfall." — Donna Nelson, Encore, 2004, p. 173 2. "One itsy-bitsy can of ___ won't do it, will it, Sammy boy?" — Jamie L. Turner, By the Light of a Thousand Stars, 1999. p. 179 3. "They can take a chance on a can of ___ and enjoy a surprise." — Thomas Swann Harding, The Popular Practice of Fraud, 1935, p. 313 4. "Cash gain in April is linked to an incident involving a can of ___ and a finger." —Horoscope, The Weekly World News, March 15, 2004 5. "Destiny lies in a can of ___ in syrup." —Horoscope, The Weekly World News, Nov. 15, 2004 6. "People like that, they got to deserve a can of ___ up the ass." — Joe R. Lansdale, A Fist Full of Stories, 1996, p. 133 Answers: 1. sweet potatoes, 2. sweet potatoes, 3. sweet potatoes, 4. yams, 5. yams, 6. yams. (The answers are in black text on the black background. Highlight to view.) (This puzzle is inspired by and dedicated to Jonathan-Caws Elwitt, author of The Can of Yams.)
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