Did You Hear the One I Just Made Up?

How can you tell dawn from dusk?  Easy—they're as different as night and day!

Santa Claus is an elf-described "miracle worker."

Q: What do you call it when California wine makers hire their own family members to stomp on the grapes? 

A: Napa-tism.

As you know, perfume is mostly composed of alcohol.  Did you hear that perfume companies are going to begin marketing alcoholic beverages?  The first will be called "Estée Lager."

Ma: Tsk, tsk.  Have you seen this new governmental program?  "Accent on Education" they call it.  It's unspeakable!

Pa: Unspeakable?

Ma: See for yourself:

I'm as old as my bubble gum and a little older than my tooth decay.

Q: What did an exhausted Santa say to Mrs. Claus after delivering presents to the tropical forest?

A: It's a jingle out there.

Did you hear about the new IKEA item called the "Umlaut"?  It's an accent table.

What's the most popular name for a boy accent?  Mark.

What's the most popular name for a girl accent?  Dot.

Enough accent jokes—I've gotta dash.

Did you hear that director Terry Gilliam is going to film a sequel to one of his old movies, and that he's going to deliberately ruin the film stock so as to gain special sympathy from the media?  The film will be entitled "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen By Proxy."

What do you call a mapmaker who is unconcerned with capitals?

Case insensitive.

Q: Why are geniuses so often born prematurely?

A: They're too smart for the womb.

Did you hear the one I just made up about the rebellious pagan retailer? 

He held a "Winter Solstice in July" sale every year.

Why are pieces of paper good mediators?
They see two sides to everything.

What did the piece of paper say at the poker game?
I fold.

How can you tell a paper lifeguard?
The watermark.

How did the stand-up comedian paper airplane start his act?
"I just flew in from Jersey and boy are my arms tired!"

Legal sized paper: the long and the short of it.

A lot of people assume that Willy Wonka was independently wealthy.  But that's not the case.  He had a sugar daddy.

You can always spot an expired coupon -- it's a dead giveaway.

Why do sheets of paper always hate going into work?
They always get reamed out.

Did you hear about the piece of paper with amnesia?
It was a total blank.

Why can't a piece of paper hide its intentions?
They're written all over its face.

What office supply store are pieces of paper bound to work at?
Staples.

Q: What did the doctor prescribe for Willy Wonka's limp?

A: A candy cane.

Q: What do you call an AWOL with a sweet tooth?

A: A deserter.