CRAIG CONLEY (Prof. Oddfellow) is recognized by Encarta as “America’s most creative and diligent scholar of letters, words and punctuation.” He has been called a “language fanatic” by Page Six gossip columnist Cindy Adams, a “cult hero” by Publisher’s Weekly, a “monk for the modern age” by George Parker, and “a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure” by Clint Marsh. An eccentric scholar, Conley’s ideas are often decades ahead of their time. He invented the concept of the “virtual pet” in 1980, fifteen years before the debut of the popular “Tamagotchi” in Japan. His virtual pet, actually a rare flower, still thrives and has reached an incomprehensible size. Conley’s website is OneLetterWords.com.
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A Turkish Delight of musings on languages, deflations of metaphysics, vauntings of arcana, and great visual humor.

July 9, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Set for Murder, by Jolie Beaumont:

***
[This exchange doesn't really make sense--the people speaking, a pair of Broadway dancers, are not in the employ of Scotland Yard, and in any case they don't seem to understand the correct meaning of the 'royal we'--but I thought you'd still enjoy hearing about the "Broadway we."]

"When you say 'we,' Penny, do you mean the 'royal we,' as in Scotland Yard?"
Penny shook her head. "I mean the 'Broadway we,' as in you and me."

***
[Rhetorical Questions, Answered dept. The fashion mag provided a clue that the protagonists now wish they'd never stumbled on.]

"Oh, Penny, why did you have to buy that fashion magazine? Why didn't you buy the Saturday Evening Post or Popular Mechanics?"
"Because we work Saturday nights and we don't have a car."
***

Bonus: "the thin mustache that looked more like an afterthought than a mark of distinction"
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July 6, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From The Wuthering Hollow Mystery, by N. C. Lewis:

***
"Happens to the best of us," I said, instantly regretting my words. Flying squirrels, top hats, Victorian capes, bramble bushes, and a corpse didn't happen to anyone else--ever.
***
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July 4, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From a Jules Feiffer memoir:

***
My girlfriend, Judy Sheftel... had an old-fashioned, forties movie star face with eyes that shared secrets although it wasn't always clear to me what they were.
***

From Evenings with Cary Grant, by Nancy Nelson:

[According to the author, CG told the following anecdote]

"I've always been apprehensive about serving as a master of ceremonies since introducing my colleague Walter Pidgeon one night and hearing myself say, 'Mr. Privilege, this is indeed a pigeon.'"
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July 2, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Long Buried Secrets, by Cynthia Mills:

***
A green and gold Turkish rug lay self-consciously in front of the stairs.

[I guess it's not only the flying carpets that are self-aware!]
***
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June 30, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From "The Blue Door," by Vincent Starrett:

***
Mr. Norway again felt inclined to say "By Jove!" and said it before he could stop himself.

***
The policeman's sarcasm became more profound, a thing of weight and substance.
***
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June 29, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From The Man with a Load of Mischief, by Martha Grimes:

***
"The Northants police are calling in the Yard....Wonder who they'll put on the case."
Melrose Plant yawned. "Old Swinnerton, probably."
She sat up suddenly, her glasses perched on top of her frizzy gray head like the goggles of a racing driver. "Swinnerton? You know them?"
He was sorry he had made up the name--wasn't there always a Swinnerton?

***
Melrose held the chair of French Romantic poetry at the University of London where he taught for about four months out of the year, leaving echoes of himself to reverberate for the other eight.

***
They stood now in the low, dimly lit hall...his aunt and Simon Matchett making small talk smaller.

***
"Miss Ball?"
Miss Ball nodded as if she were ecstatic to be Miss Ball.

***
[Extra syllable inflation! Even when deliberately pronouncing the name in a literal-minded fashion, I make it only five syllables.]

"And while we're on it, you pronounce Bicester-Strachan as if it had twenty syllables. It's Bister-Strawn."

[Btw, the speaker there had begun by correcting his aunt's mispronunciation of the character surname Ruthven--a name I don't recall ever encountering before. Within twenty-four hours, however, I happened upon Ruthven as the surname of an author.]

***
"Vicars always look as if they need to be dusted daily."
***
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June 27, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From The Privilege of His Company, a biography of Noel Coward by William Marchant:

***
[Kenneth Tynan on John Gielgud's performance in Noel Coward's Nude with Violin]

"Sir John never acts seriously in modern dress; it is the lounging attire in which he relaxes between classical bookings, and his present performance as a simpering valet is an act of boyish mischief, carried out with extreme elegance and the general aspect of a tight, smart, walking umbrella."

***
[Said Coward]
"One night I expanded the line. 'Of George IV there is absolutely nothing to be said,' and paused, and added in a sort of stricken voice, 'except that there is nothing to be said.' It was greeted with a shout of laughter, as it was at every performance thereafter until I threw the sketch out of the show."

***
[Marchant refers to a line, "Everything smells like something else... it's so dreadfully confusing," from one of Coward's plays, and describes Noël's attitudes in that vein, and in related areas]

The lobby of the St. Regis Hotel in New York smelled to him uncomfortably like the piano department at Harrod's.  [...] In America all sirloin steaks looked like bedroom slippers to him, and if the film showing at the old Roxy movie palace was no good, one could always look away and pretend one was rather drunk at the post office at Granada. [...] Beverly Hills looked like an uncommonly bad Raoul Dufy. [...] Strangers on the street or at restaurant tables were studied carefully to determine exactly whose twins they were. If the resemblance was only partial, or limited to a single feature, it was seen to have been an exchange of some kind: "That waiter has wickedly stolen Lilli Palmer's nose," or "Whatever can have possessed poor Margaret Rutherford to lend her chin to the Princess Murat?" [...] Faces were also understood to be in a transitory state and frequently seemed to be in a dreadful rush to look like someone else or to be marking time until the right original came along who might be copied. [He said of a Truman Capote photo], "What will this face be like twenty years from now? ... At the moment it isn't so much a face as a pre-face." [...]
***
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June 25, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Murder Follows the Muse, by Leni Bogat:

***

"And where is Aruba now? Vacationing in Hawaii, I should imagine, or perhaps sailing tranquilly toward Tahiti, assuming it is capable of navigating the Panama Canal."
[Btw, that's the protagonist, one Jeremy Wadlington-Smythe, speaking.]
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June 22, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Late and Cold, by Gladys Mitchell:

***
[Its] severely classical doorway, together with a symmetrical arrangement of rectangular windows, gave it an expression of slightly disparaging surprise.

***

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June 20, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From "Chaps in Chaps," a brief spoof of the western by British(?) parodist Richard Mallett:

***
Two days later Noble Chunk was in the very heart of Arizoklahoma, that strange spur of land that lies like a stick of macaroni along the side and between the middle of the back around behind above Texas on top of the panhandle of Wyoming like some brooding monster.
***
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June 18, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Arrest the Bishop? by Winifred Peck:

***
He had a prominent chin and equally pronounced convictions. Prejudices bristled about him, like his wiry hair, in all sorts of unexpected places.

***
"And if Soames comes round that corner send him off to fetch an umbrella for you, or a mitre or an elephant or a Family Bible, or anything you like, but don't let him see me up here!"
***

[Bonus: A dedication in the ablative!]

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June 15, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From A Country Way of Death, by R. A. Bentley:

***
Outside, the chill wind howled for admittance but getting no answer, settled for puffing the curtains into the room.

***
"Though possibly another skeleton in a different cupboard."

[This made me wonder if "another ___ in a different ___"--or some specific version of that--was a time-honored prototype, which in turn raised the question of whether the Buzzcocks' "Another Music in a Different Kitchen" was, unknown to me, a deliberate variation on a cliche. I found no evidence of any of this, however, so both this item and the Buzzcocks item seem just to be their own free-standing "things."]
***

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June 13, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Blessings in Disguise, by Alec Guinness:

[I don't encounter "bed-fluff" in print very often, but it showed up twice in the first fifteen pages of Alec Guinness's memoir, Blessings in Disguise. What's interesting is that while the first instance is a literal one (the child Guinness borrows a household implement from his mother to clean the bed-fluff out from under the bed of an elderly lady he visits downstairs), the second one is figurative!]

To [Sybil Thorndike's] statements, though, about the greatness of Ibsen--how he cleared the air, got rid of all the bed-fluff, gave women their proper due, and so on--I could only nod in a way which I hoped looked intelligent.

[As you can see, it's not clear whether Thorndike actually used the word "bed-fluff," or that was simply Guinness's "go to" word when paraphrasing.]

[Meanwhile,* a little later in the book]

'So sorry I was late,' [Dame Flora Robson] said. 'My train is from Brighton. And at Victoria Station a plank fell on my head. Is my hat in good shape?' I reassured her: I wasn't quite sure what the shape should be.

[*Because, of course, all pages in a book exist simultaneously.]

***
[sbj: a record from the Guinness book
The Alec Guinness book, that is]

Tyrone Guthrie was ... quite the tallest enfant terrible to be found in the English-speaking world--standing six foot four in his socks.
***

[Alec Guinness speaks of Edith Sitwell's "arched eyebrows like faint pencil lines querying the tiny eyes."]

[Guinness speaks of some actors at the makeup table "not knowing their elbow from a crimson-lake liner."
Until I looked it up, I thought he was referring to some kind of inland passenger vessel!]

***
[sbj: the office cutup
Alec Guinness, on first meeting his friend Ernie Kovacs]

The first day Ernie and I worked together he deliberately got his head stuck in the clapper-board...
***
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June 11, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From A Strange Manor of Death, by R. A. Bentley:

***
"Eccentric," agreed Bernard. "He wore the most extraordinary waistcoats."

[I think "He wore the most extraordinary waistcoats" would make a great epitaph.]

***
[Putting the "flapping" in flappers!]

"That was then. Things have changed. Look at all that flapping, or whatever it is they do."
"I should hardly think Charlotte's a flapper, dear."

[Flappers will henceforth be funnier to me, with this association established.]
***
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June 9, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From And Then I Wrote, by Jack Sharkey and Mel Buttorff:

***

"I didn't mean to barge in that way."
"I thought you barged in very nicely."

[Cf. Hugo Barneezles Reader (approx. from memory) "How dare you barge in here without knocking!" / "If we'd knocked, it wouldn't have been barging."]

***
"Nobody told me this was a private panic."

***
"But what about your undertaking customers?"
"They'll keep."
***
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June 8, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Death Sends for the Doctor, by George Bellairs:

***
Plumtree was waiting beside the telephone, watching it in awe, as though it might explode or speak loud and oracularly at any moment.

***
Cromwell knew from the way Littlejohn smoked his pipe that the Superintendent was amused. It sagged in the corner of his mouth and, instead of puffing it, he gently blew wisps of smoke through the bowl.
***
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June 6, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Don't Cry for Me, Hot Pastrami, by Sharon Kahn:

***
"Do you all swear not to tell, not ever to tell what I'm going to tell you, so help you God?"
This is too much. "I'm not swearing to God on this, Essie Sue."
"Okay, Ruby, so we'll swear on my copy of the Jewish Forward--it has a national circulation. Good enough for you?"
***
From Up Front, by Victor Spinetti:

***
'You behave yourself when you're in Rome,' said Alan Webb, the old character actor. 'You be careful what you do here. We're representing Great Britain. Don't forget that.' The next day, he came to work in rather a state. He'd been found drunk wandering around Rome with no trousers on.'
***
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June 4, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From The Curse of Braeburn Castle, by Karen Baugh Menuhin:

***
"Ay, and a good afternoon to yerself and yon wee doggie, sir." A different attendant came by my table, a Scot by the sound of his accent. He sported a beard and kilt and very smart he looked too.

[Possibly Scottish, yes. Though personally I would reserve judgment until he produces bagpipes.]

***
[A self-directed-zinger of a rhetorical question answered!]

"Don't be ridiculous, Swift, who would be stupid enough to be down here in this weather?"
"Us," came the tart riposte.
***
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June 1, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Old Wounds, by Nora Kelly:

***
The ironing board presided, giraffe-legged, over baskets of stiff, wrinkled clothes that came in from the line.

***
[Flapping dept.]

Her mind was flapping like a broken fanbelt.
***
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May 30, 2021 (permalink)


Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

unearths some literary gems.

From Blotto, Twinks and the Great Road Race, by Simon Brett:

***
But Corky could grow a moustache. His had the robust quality of a kitchen implement designed to scour roasting trays. Whereas the thin residue of hair on the upper lip of Florian Carré Dagneau did not look up to the task of polishing glassware.

***
"It's a blatant act of sabbatical!"
"'Sabotage,' I think, is the word you're looking for, sir."

***
"You may be forgetting, sir, that there are ten thousand gold sovereigns at stake."
"Yes, I suppose that might add a trumpet to the trombone."

***
Corky Froggett had never really believed in God. But now he did not rule out the possibility of believing in ducks.
***
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