CRAIG CONLEY (Prof. Oddfellow) is recognized by Encarta as “America’s most creative and diligent scholar of letters, words and punctuation.” He has been called a “language fanatic” by Page Six gossip columnist Cindy Adams, a “cult hero” by Publisher’s Weekly, a “monk for the modern age” by George Parker, and “a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure” by Clint Marsh. An eccentric scholar, Conley’s ideas are often decades ahead of their time. He invented the concept of the “virtual pet” in 1980, fifteen years before the debut of the popular “Tamagotchi” in Japan. His virtual pet, actually a rare flower, still thrives and has reached an incomprehensible size. Conley’s website is OneLetterWords.com.
"Thus the horror and apprehension of a supernatural visitation terminated in a joyous wedding, which was consummated in the same chamber where the innocent Rosina had twice filled her lover with inexpressible alarm." From "The Haunted Inn" in Ghost Stories, 1846.
Here's our proof that all mirrors are magic mirrors, that reflections are real, and that we can literally drink the moon and the knowledge of the moon from a liquid mirror.
"Iron man sings or whistles and reads newspaper." From Popular Mechanics, 1932.
As if to say (translated into the vernacular), "This is my relaunch, bitches," Tina Turner opened her Private Dancer album in a most astonishing way:
I'm a new pair of eyes Every time I am born An original mind Because I just died
Yes, Tina Turner is the reincarnation of Queen Hatshepsut, having ruled as pharaoh of the Eighteenth Dynasty of Egypt (1478–1458 BC). We can confirm this as an eye-witness—we are the same age as Grace Jones, who told the New York Times that she is 5,000 years old. And we were there. But even more importantly, Tina Turner still is Queen Hatshepsut. This fact is explained by Nick Cave in his book The Sick Bag Song:
Everything is happening and has happened and will happen again. Everything that exists has always existed and will continue to exist. Memory is imagined; it’s not real. Don’t be ashamed of its need to create; it’s the loveliest part of your heart. Myth is the true history. Don’t let them tell you that there are no monsters. Don’t let them make you feel stupid, just because you are happy to play down in the dark with your flashlight. The mystical world depends on you and your tolerance for the absurd. Be strong, my darling ones, and believe!
The Tina Turner song in question is, of course, "I Might Have Been Queen," and the amazing lyrics continue:
And I'm scanning the horizon for someone recognizing That I might have been queen For every sun that sets there is a new one dawning For every empire crushed there is a brand new nation
Let the waters rise I've ridden each tide From the gates of the city Where the first born died
And I might have been queen I remember the girl in the fields with no name She had a love Oh but the river won't stop for me No the river won't stop for me
I'm a new pair of eyes An original mind With my senses of old And the heart of a giant
And I'm searching through the wreckage For some great recollection That I might have been queen
For every sage that falls There's an ancient child
And I might have been queen I remember the girl in the fields with no name She had a love Oh but the river won't stop for me No the river won't stop for me
I look up to the stars with my perfect memory I lived through it all, and my future's no shock to me I look down, but I see no tragedy I look up to my past, my spirit running free I look down, I look down, and I'm there in history Oh I'm a soul survivor
I might have been queen! (Soul survivor on the river, but it won't stop) I know the secret combination (Soul survivor on the river, but it won't stop) I might have been queen! (Soul survivor on the river, but it won't stop) I know the secret combination (Soul survivor on the river, but it won't stop) I might have been queen, I know the secret combination (Soul survivor on the river, but it won't stop) I might have been queen, I know the secret combination (Soul survivor on the river, but it won't stop)
If you've ever wondered about people you encounter, here's the explanation: "In every thousand people who are living on this earth, not more than one is alive." From The Art of Being Alive by Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1914.
The phrase "Cupid's mustache" delivers zero Google results. The best we could find is a mustache taming wax called "Cupid's Blend," though "Cupid's mustache" is not explicitly mentioned. From Welcome Guest, 1860.
Folks with birthdays near holidays tend to receive combination gifts. But even years themselves suffer this fate. Here's a Christmas, New-Year, and birthday gift to the year 1851.
We're often asked how we find crystal balls, and we can now reveal that our secret is the "crystal ball detector." Note the importance of the "veto barrel," for when a crystal ball is just too cloudy. Pictured also are two crystal balls we found.
Here we learn that the moon has but a single eye, and it's ghostly. From "The Wind and the Moon" by George Macdonald, in One Thousand Poems for Children, 1920.
"The surprising truth is that the kingdom of heaven is with us."
