Q: Why does it seem to take forever to drive across New York State?

A: Because of the shape and geographical orientation of New York State, time actually slows down north of New York City and makes all travel seem incredibly monotonous. Einstein called this the Upstate Temporal Distortion Effect, which he discovered during a trip from Princeton to Cornell. Note that it also explains the phenomenon of the "New York Minute."

Recent studies have suggested that the magnetic field of the earth has a slight "bulge" around New York State, now thought to be related to the type of metal reinforcements used in the structural mass of the Erie Canal locks, and this could explain the time-dilation effect.

(Literary humorist Jonathan Caws-Elwitt's plays, stories, essays, letters, parodies, wordplay, witticisms and miscellaneous tomfoolery can be found at Monkeys 1, Typewriters 0.  Here you'll encounter frivolous, urbane writings about symbolic yams, pigs in bikinis, donut costumes, vacationing pikas, nonexistent movies, cross-continental peppermills, and other compelling subjects.)