SONG: I Wanna Be A Dancin' Man
ALBUM: The Belle of New York Soundtrack

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Gonna leave my footsteps on the sands of time,
If I never leave a dime.

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Gonna leave my footsteps in bricks and mortar,
If I never leave a quarter.

I dreamed I couldn't be sure the independent clauses were not joined by a connective.

Later that night, I dreamed I visited Arabia, where my people walk upside down.  

Then I dreamed that I was a Greek question mark, though of course I looked the same as I always do.

That was followed by a nightmare about a young bully named Nicholas Semicolon, strikingly similar to the shameful character with the same name in HELLO, MRS. PIGGLE-WIGGLE by Betty MacDonald.

Humorist Jonathan Caws-Elwitt contributes witty definitions to the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form.  For example, here's his definition of archly:


Jonathan's one-act play The Can of Yams is currently in publication through Baker's Plays.

Backtracking

This week, the Associated Press reports that "the letter 'W' has entered the mainstream of the Swedish language, getting its own section for the first time in the country's most respected dictionary."  Linguists in Sweden have traditionally considered the W (called "double-v") to be a lower form of the letter V.  Now, according to the Swedish Academy, the Swedish alphabet has grown from 28 to 29 letters.

"Is nothing sacred?"  Yes.  Atheism is a doctrine that there is no God.  However, many atheists are devout in their lack of belief, which makes them religious in spite of themselves.  So to them, nothing is indeed sacred.

Can you name the "hottest" letter of the alphabet?  Or the most "upscale" letter?  It seems that car manufacturers have created a shortage of "luxury letters."  NBC4 explains:

I dreamed that I was with an older woman (perhaps in her 60s), who was leading me on some sort of swimming expedition.  We came across some stalagmite-type formations sticking out of the water, and my guide encouraged me to view them by partially submerging my face so that the top half of my eyes saw what was above water level and the bottom half of my eyes saw what was submerged.  I indicated that I already knew that the formations continued underwater, but she insisted that I view it for myself.  Afterwards, we swam toward a farther destination, and the experience of swimming was transcendently pleasurable.  I found that I couldn't sink and therefore could devote myself to swimming with absolutely no fear, much as a fish must feel.  The feel of the water itself was also astonishingly, transcendently pleasurable.  It had no temperature (neither warm nor cold), but I felt so at home in it that it bordered on ecstasy.  I felt wholly in my element, at one with the ocean, and enjoyed that swimming more than anything else I've ever done in my life.

One of my favoriite comedy duos goes by the name "The Lampshades," and their spoof-lounge act is so funny that it's almost dangerous.  Dame Edna once had a gag where she kept a nurse onstage in case anyone collapsed from too much happiness, and that might be something for The Lampshades to consider.  Kate Flannery and Scot Robinson perform as The Lampshades in Hollywood.  (Though their long-running act is currently on hiatus while Kate is busy with her role in the television comedy "The Office," The Lampshades can still be heard on their CD and seen on their DVD: see TheLampshades.com for sample video clips and mp3s).  When I last saw them perform live, the guy sitting to my left kept looking over at me throughout the show, presumably because I was laughing so hard.  Maybe he thought I was a heckler or something.  Or maybe he just didn't recognize how much talent he was witnessing on stage.  What was cool about being in the front row was that I could see the wonderful subtleties of Kate's and Scot's facial expressions.  It seemed that Kate made about 8,000 different faces throughout the show, and every one of them had me in stitches.  I marvel at how much artistry goes into every moment of the show.

When I was 9, my 5-year-old kid brother convinced me that the craters of the moon formed the face of Abe Lincoln.  I didn't believe him at first, but he seemed so sure.  To children, Lincoln certainly comes across as a demigod, beardedly sitting on that throne and austerely bestowing freedom.  That night my kid brother summed up just how much "cents" I had.  He probably could've had a field day pointing out all sorts of imaginary constellations, such as the heavenly chariot of the divine Abraham (I would have fallen for that one right away, because I always thought the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the penny was a trolley car).  But I couldn't for the life of me follow the line of my brother's finger all the way to the heavens.  I didn't realize then that all constellations are made-up, formed by those who can picture the puzzles of life and convince others to connect the dots.

Reader Comments:

Jonathan wrote,

Asking the Same Question Again Later

SONG: Badd
ARTIST: Ying Yang Twins (feat. Mike Jones)

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

I'm lookin' for a dime that's top of the line
Cute face slim waist wit a big behind

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

I'm lookin' for a quarter that's a real transporter
Cute face slim waist wit a big Pullman Porter

How can one express "what language is incapable of putting into words?"  Does relinquishing logical language foster unity with all living things?  The Theatre of the Absurd has an innate distrust of language, preferring wordless communication through "shapes, light, movement and gesture."  The aim is "to create a ritual-like, mythological, archetypal, allegorical vision, closely related to the world of dreams."

"Who wrote the book of love?"  The Roman poet Ovid.

Asking on Behalf of a Friend

SONG: Like a Rolling Stone
ARTIST: Bob Dylan

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

I wish I had a shilling
For each senseless killing

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

I wish I had a quarter
For each senseless slaughter

"Is the Pope Catholic?"  No, for two reasons.  The Pope is the head of the Roman Catholic Church, and is therefore not a part of it (if we define part as one of a number of equal quantities that compose a whole).  Also, the original meaning of catholic is universal.

"What is so rare as a day in June?"  The answer is "Every day in September, April, and November."  June and those other months have only 30 days each, so all are equally rare.  Rarer than a day in June is any day in February.  The most February can have is 29.

Ask Questions

Answer a Question with a Question

I dreamed that I hated the fact I was two punctuation marks in one: a period and a comma.  I envied other punctuation, especially the dash. 

Then I dreamed about how Winston Churchill "believed that in remarks directed to the ear, a semicolon was verboten—whereas a dash fit the rhythm of a speech or talk, making it more conversational," just as in SPEAK LIKE CHURCHILL by James C. Humes.

I dreamed I discovered a new room in my house.  In it was stored all sorts of important things I'd forgotten about.

Later that night, I had a nightmare about Kurt Vonnegut reading aloud from his book A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY: "Do not use semicolons.  They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing.  All they do is show you've been to college."

Absence of Resistance

Last night I dreamed that I was walking down the street (without pants).  I was caught off guard when a dark figure (Caucasian male) walked up beside me.  I casually said "Hello," hoping he didn't intend to mug me.  In a flash, he lassoed my neck with some sort of thin chain and pulled me in to attack me with a knife.  I fought him for a while, and though I couldn't seem to get away from him, several times I managed to use his knife against him and actually cut him with it.  But I eventually noticed that he was not fazed by my counter attacks.  He would smile detachedly when I stabbed him, as if the wound was not painful or perhaps was even pleasurable.  I asked him, "Who are you?" and "What do you want?"  But he just looked back at me with a blank expression as we continued to struggle.  Then I finally seemed to figure it out.  I thought to myself something to the effect of: "He's showing me that pain and pleasure are equal, and are equally illusory."  And with that thought, the struggle ended, he disappeared, and I woke up.  I was a bit puzzled at first, wondering why I was going over a concept that I *thought* I already knew.  But of course I'm still viewing life dualistically.

"What's eating you?"  Plaque is an accumulation of bacteria that forms on the teeth.

A Reliable Chain of Middlemen

P I n K S L i P: Preserve the Integrity of Key Song Lyric Pronouns

When artists perform cover versions of songs, they often alter the lyrics to match the gender of the new singer.  For example, a male singer doing a cover of the Diana Ross song "Upside Down" might change the words "Boy, you turn me inside out" to "Girl, you turn me inside out."  It would be unheard of for a person doing a spoken-word reading of a literary classic to change the text's gender references according to whim.  It should be equally unheard of for a singer to alter the lyrics of a song.  This all-too-common practice violates the integrity of the original song and, in fact, often prevents fresh new subtexts from arising.

What kind of fresh new subtexts, you ask?  Consider Information Society's cover of "Express Yourself" by Madonna.  Had singer Kurt Harland retained the original lyrics, he would have turned "Express Yourself" into a feminist manifesto from a male point of view, making the song vastly more interesting and important.  Instead, he alters the pronouns throughout and his remake falls flat.  For example, Harland changes the lyric "make him express how he feels and then you'll know your love is real" to "make her express how she feels and then you'll know your love is real."  Females don't generally have too much trouble communicating their feelings; expressiveness is typically more difficult for males.  So the changed lyrics lose their original meaning and indeed border on the ridiculous.  Had Harland left the original pronouns untouched, he would have transformed the song into a cautionary tale for women from a man's point of view.  The singer would be encouraging women to demand only the best from men, benefiting both genders in the process.  (The cover version is available on the Madonna tribute album "Virgin Voices." The original version is available on the Madonna album "Immaculate Collection.")

Sometimes lyric alterations totally obliterate the artist's original meaning.  Take, for example, Loleatta Holoway's cover of "I Wanna Be Your Lover" by Prince.  As part of her removal of masculine references, Holoway changes the lyrics "I wanna be your brother, I wanna be your mother and your sister, 2" to "I wanna be your lover, I wanna be your mother and your sister, 2."  As Prince wrote the lyrics, the singer is offering to transcend the limitations of gender roles.  He is offering the support of brotherhood, the nurturing of motherhood, and the sharing of sisterhood to the woman he desires.  He is suggesting that he will be a new family for her, ready and able to fulfill her every need.  Holoway carelessly erases this important aspect of the song's meaning, making her cover version pale by comparison. (The cover version is available on the Prince tribute album "Party O' the Times."  The original version is available on Prince's self-titled album.)

Let's contrast these bad examples with another Madonna cover, but this time one which works brilliantly:

KMFDM's cover of "Material Girl" by Madonna.  A scary, distorted masculine voice tells us that "we are living in a material world" and that he is a "material girl."  En Esch sings, "Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me, I think they're O.K.  If they don't give me proper credit, I just walk away." By retaining the original lyrics and switching the gender of the singer, the cover version takes an intriguing look at the connection between materialism and gender identity.  While Madonna suggests that people use their sex appeal to court others for personal gain, En Esch further suggests that people of one's same gender ultimately have the most to offer and that such courtships must be handled delicately.  (The cover version is available on the Madonna tribute album "Virgin Voices."  The original version is available on the Madonna album "Like a Virgin.")

Further insights into gender identity are gained in the following covers:

Erasure's cover of "River Deep, Mountain High" by Ike and Tina Turner.  Andy Bell of Erasure preserves the song's original lyrics, singing such lines as "When I was a little girl I had a ragdoll."  The song takes on new meaning by exploring how gender identities and boundaries are defined during early childhood.  (The cover version is available on the Erasure album "Innocents."  The original version is available on the album "Best of Ike and Tina Turner.")

Biftek's cover of "Wired For Sound" by Cliff Richards.  Lead singer Julee Cruise stays true to the original song, singing "I was a small boy who did not like his toys" and "I met a girl and she told me she loved me."  As with the Erasure cover of "River Deep, Mountain High," this song is given added depth by examining early formations of gender identity.  (The cover version is available on the Biftek album "2020."  The original version is available on the Cliff Richards album "Whole Story: His Greatest Hits.")

Future Bible Heroes' cover of "Don't You Want Me" by the Human League.  This popular male-female duet gets switched around in the cover version, with the man singing that he was "working as a waitress in a cocktail bar."  By retaining the original lyrics and switching the genders of the singers, the song explores traditional gender roles in a refreshing new way.  (The cover version is available on the Human League tribute album "Reproductions."  The original version is available on the Human League album "Dare.")

Male-male relationship subtexts are created in the following covers:

The 6ths with Lloyd Cole's cover of "Human" by the Human League.  This popular male-female duet is here sung by two men, each apologizing for cheating on the other during a period of separation.  One man says to the other, "I wouldn't ever try to hurt you.  I just needed someone to hold me, to fill the void while you were gone, to fill this space of emptiness."  The cover version brings new meaning to the lyrics as it explores the challenge of maintaining stable same-sex relationships.  (The cover version is available on the Human League tribute album "Reproductions."  The original version is available on the Human League album "Greatest Hits.")

The Beatles' cover of "Boys" by the Shirelles.  Since the Beatles often covered Motown material in their early days, no one seemed to raise an eyebrow at this.  But when you hear Ringo singing about boys ("Well, I talk about boys, now; what a bundle of joy!") it's rather intriguing.  (The cover version is available on the Beatles album "Anthology."  The original version is available on the Shirelles' album "25 All-Time Greatest Hits.")

Erasure's cover of "Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)" by ABBA.  By preserving the original lyrics, Erasure subverts the song into a gay anthem. Andy Bell sings, "Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight.  Take me through the darkness to the break of the day."  (The cover version is available on the Erasure album "The Two Ring Circus."  The original version is available on the ABBA album "ABBA Gold.")

Female-female relationship subtexts alter the storylines in the following songs:

Missing Persons' cover of "Hello I Love You" by the Doors.  By changing the gender of the singer while retaining the original lyrics, Missing Persons brings new depth to the song.  When Dale Bozzio sings, "Do you think you'll be the guy to make the queen of the angels sigh?" she can be referring to herself as a guy as well as referring to a male listener.  (In the Doors' version, that lyric is a bit of internal dialog as the singer thinks aloud to himself.)  When Bozzio sings, "Her arms are wicked, and her legs are long; when she moves my brain screams out this song," she brings a lesbian sensibility to the lyrics.  Now, the listener realizes that the beautiful stranger on the street has many admirers fighting for her attention, both male and female.  (The cover version is available on the reissue of the Missing Persons album "Color in Your Life."  The original version is available on the Doors' album "Best of the Doors.")

Six Pence None The Richer's cover of "There She Goes" by The La's.  By retaining the original lyrics, the band gives the song a new female-infatuated-by-female slant.  Leigh Nash sings, "There she goes again, racing through my brain, and I just can't contain these feelings that remain."  This was a bit unusual for mainstream pop, especially for a band with a "Christian Rock" past.  (The cover version is available on Six Pence None The Richer's self-titled album.  The original version is available on the La's self-titled album.)

Sandra Bernhard's cover of "Me and Mrs. Jones" by Billy Paul.  By retaining the original lyrics, Bernhard transforms the song into a love affair between herself and a married woman, thereby adding a brand new dimension to a familiar story.  Bernhard sings, "Me and Mrs. Jones, we've got a thing going on."  (The cover version is available on Sandra Bernhard's video "Without You I'm Nothing."  The original version is available on the Billy Paul album "Me & Mrs. Jones-Best of Billy Paul.")  Similarly, Bernhard brings a lesbian flair to "Little Red Corvette" by Prince.  She sings, "Girl, you got an ass like I never seen; And the ride... I say the ride is so smooth you must be a limousine."  (The cover version is available on Sandra Bernhard's video "Without You I'm Nothing."  The original version is available on the Prince album "1999.")

Rebecca Romijn Stamos' cover of "Darling Nikki" by Prince.  Like the "There She Goes" cover by Six Pence None The Richer, Rebecca Romijn Stamos brings a female-infatuated-by-female slant to "Darling Nikki."  Stamos sings, "I can't tell u what she did 2 me, but my body will never be the same."  (The cover version is available on the Prince tribute album "Party O' the Times." The original version is available on the Prince album "Purple Rain.")

Honorable mention goes to Momus's covers of songs he wrote for Kahimi Karie. Momus disregards the gender references in his own lyrics, adding new subtexts to songs he composed for a female singer.  In "The Lady Of Shalott," he describes himself as a woman: "I am a kind of Lady of Shallot; My drawbridge, portcullis and moat; The chastity belt round my throat."  In "Mistaken Memories Of Medieval Manhattan," Momus addresses another man in his bed: "Never wake me, boy; If you wake me I'll die; If you wake me you'll destroy this perfect world I see when I dream."  In "The Seventh Wife Of Henry VIII," Momus is a suitor to the notorious British king: "Well I know he might seem to be a big brute, but he waits on me hand and foot.  And when I blow upon his flute, he plays 'Greensleeves' on a lute."  In "Pygmalism," Momus addresses a male professor: "You filled me with your breath and your jism.  You gave me life, I give you death, pig; Pygmalism."  (The cover versions are available on Momus' web site.  The original versions are available on the Kahimi Karie album "Journey To The Centre Of Me." )

It is insulting to the audience to adjust song lyrics, as if we can't take them as they were written.  Should the artist perhaps alter lyrics based upon the audience, as for example making it all male in a gay bar, all female at a NOW meeting, or all dog at the Kennel Club?  Though it may or may not be discrimination to make this usually heterosexual adjustment, it's certainly trite and silly, and really more about a lack of confidence in the song than anything else.  Music, poetry, and art in any form should speak to us on some universal level, which could not be limited by pronoun or place. The offense of lyrics alteration lies in the superficiality of the thing.

Please participate in the PInKSLiP campaign by submitting your good or bad song lyric examples to webmaster@oneletterwords.com

(Thanks to Ken Clinger and June Conley for sharing their expertise.)

I dreamed I was blind and couldn't see if there was a conjunctive adverb.

Then I had a nightmare about tatty motel room in the middle of a brutal desert, where "the beds are cheap and occasionally feature little black periods and semicolons that reveal themselves to be hungry bedbugs," just as in The Devil's Highway by Luis Alberto Urrea.  I woke up scratching.  I remember now that the room didn't have cable, either.