CRAIG CONLEY (Prof. Oddfellow) is recognized by Encarta as “America’s most creative and diligent scholar of letters, words and punctuation.” He has been called a “language fanatic” by Page Six gossip columnist Cindy Adams, a “cult hero” by Publisher’s Weekly, a “monk for the modern age” by George Parker, and “a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure” by Clint Marsh. An eccentric scholar, Conley’s ideas are often decades ahead of their time. He invented the concept of the “virtual pet” in 1980, fifteen years before the debut of the popular “Tamagotchi” in Japan. His virtual pet, actually a rare flower, still thrives and has reached an incomprehensible size. Conley’s website is OneLetterWords.com.
It was the oldest trick in the book, when you stripped away all of the mind-bending monkey business, it was a diversion! —George Parker, The Atomic Kid (2003)
Diversion’s the oldest trick in the book. . . . If something in front of you seems really out of character, you should look behind you. —Karl C. Klein, Makaila’s Legacy (2001)
Saint Metafora taught a simple message that calmed the troubled minds
of her followers: "A disturbing conclusion is simply the result of
making the wrong kind of analogy." Her collected sayings, "The
Similitudes," popularized the phrase "X is like Y," which became a
mantra of sorts among her disciples. That mantra was commonly
misheard as "excess likewise" by the general public, leading to the
widespread misunderstanding that Saint Metafora preached a life of
overindulgence. Today, Saint Metafora is perhaps best known for
her controversial sermon entitled "The Watchmaker Analogy: Who Has Time
For It?"
Inventing deodorants is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
There is no such thing as superfluous praise.
A true friend does not reveal the song which is stuck in his head.
Every morning I leave the house determined not to let Life make a
monkey of me. But I always carry a banana in my bag, just in case.
If you want to have ice cream at the party, bring ice cream to the party.
So many questions, so many question marks.
Advice to coffee drinkers: Don't put all your filters in one basket.
The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The optimist says the glass
is half full. The optometrist says you need a new pair of glasses.
Behind every successful sock puppet is an otherwise idle right or left hand.
Monday's dessert is Tuesday's appetizer.
Remember never to rely on memory.
A good magician never explains his jokes.
Literary humorist Jonathan Caws-Elwitt's plays, stories, essays,
letters, parodies, wordplay, witticisms and miscellaneous tomfoolery
can be found at Monkeys 1, Typewriters 0.
Here you'll encounter frivolous, urbane writings about symbolic yams,
pigs in bikinis, donut costumes, vacationing pikas, nonexistent movies,
cross-continental peppermills, and other compelling subjects.
Leave, why don’t you? But when you come crawling back, be careful
not to trip on the pieces of my shattered life that you left in your
wake. Don’t worry—the pieces won’t cut you. Their edges
have long since been worn down.
SONG: I Got a Dime
LYRICS: John McCutcheon and Si Kahn
ORIGINAL LYRIC:
I got a dime, you got a dime
I know someone with a quarter and she's a friend of mine
ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:
I got a quarter, you got a quarter
I know someone with a dollar and she's a change sorter
* Payphones used to take dimes, but now they take quarters. Isn't
it time to update song lyrics to reflect the realities of
inflation? Alas, it's vastly easier to rhyme the word "dime" than
the word "quarter," but here at Inflationary Lyrics Headquarters we
have risen to the challenge. Please join the fun and share your
own inflationary lyrics, with both the "before" and "after" versions!
Quick as a cobra, Sister Wilemina threw her sword. Not at the man, but straight down between his feet. The blade hit dirt and vibrated, and Badger’s eyes flew wide. The oldest trick in the book. As the pirate was distracted, the archer coiled an arm like an oak branch. Her knotty fist slammed Badger’s broad brisket and nearly dented his spine. —Clayton Emery, Jedit (2001)
Spin the dial at every crossroad and let Fate lead your journey. This four-tiered oracle suggests which direction to turn and alerts to special circumstances along the way. Try out the Web version below and plot an exciting new journey on a map. Or download the standalone application for your notebook computer (links below). Just click!
<a target="_blank" href="/navigator/" title="Click here to launch the compass"><img width=595 height=568 src="/navigator/images/static.gif" border=0></a>
INSTRUCTIONS
Click to spin the dial and let Fate lead your journey. There are three ways to read the dial:
1. The inner wheel suggests which direction to turn. Consult this at every crossroad.
2. The edges alert to special circumstances along the way, like a cosmic tour guide.
3. The center encourages you to notice finer details along the way.
I dreamed that I had coffee and dessert with Lewis Thomas, who said the
most delightful things, such as: "I have grown fond of semicolons in
recent years. ... It is almost always a greater pleasure to come across
a semicolon than a period. The period tells you that that is
that; if you didn't get all the meaning you wanted or expected, anyway
you got all the writer intended to parcel out and now you have to move
along. But with a semicolon there you get a pleasant little
feeling of expectancy; there is more to come; read on; it will get
clearer."
Then I dreamed of sitting in a court of law, where "I witnessed a jury
trial over the placement of a semicolon," just as in THIS TIME I DANCE!
by Tama J. Kieves.
Denis Dimbleby Bagley: It's the oldest trick in the book. Priest on Train: Book? What book? Denis Dimbleby Bagley: The distortion of truth by association book. —How to Get Ahead in Advertising (1989)
Eliminating Bookshelf Clutter by Double-Booking Great Works of Literature
Call for Submissions: Chronogram Seeks Humor Writing
The theme: Help eliminate bookshelf clutter by double-booking great
works of literature. Please provide a title and one-line concept pitch
for a literary twofer, e.g.:
Huckleberry Finnegans Wake. A plucky lad and a runaway slave fall asleep
on a raft in the stream of consciousness.
Inherit the Wind in the Willows. A mole, a rat, and a toad are brought
to trial by weasels for daring to believe in evolution.
Moby-Dick-and-Jane. "Look, Ishmael! See Dick breach. Breach, Dick, breach!"
Deadline September 15. Chronogram, an arts and culture magazine
serving the Hudson River Valley, seeks entries for its "Joined at the
Hip" humor contest. Winners receive a T-shirt. Send 1-3 entries to
fiction@chronogram.com, or by mail to 314 Wall Street, Kingston NY
12401.
Follow your blind determination and do what you have to do. When
you’ve finally had your way, and you brush the swarming flies off my
dead body, you’ll notice that I’ve left you a present—
a t-shirt that proclaims ‘I made my choice.’ Wear it proudly.
I dreamed that I had written a novel with two other people (unknown to
me now), and that I had forgotten about it until we all started
discussing it. As we talked, detail after detail came back to my
mind vividly. They eventually had to go, and I was distressed
because (as I told them) if we could just talk a little longer then I'd
be able to remember the entire book. Remembrance of the story
gave me tremendous joy. Though our project was a book, the
memories of the story were very visual (like a graphic novel or comic
book), and it was similar to reconstructing a movie in one's
mind. I must have been somewhat lucid, because a part of me
hoped to be able to remember the whole thing so as to be able to
reconstruct it upon waking up. I also wondered (somewhat
suspiciously) if the book wasn't actually a bunch of nonsense--the sort
of thing that makes sense in the dream world but that would translate
as gibberish were I to transcribe it upon waking. I willed myself
to have a photographic memory of the story just in case it really was
as good and sensical as it was in the dream world.
If you have a strange dream to share, send it along!
I dreamed of a planet with two moons. The lower moon slowly waned
away. Then I dreamed I had corrective surgery to remove my comma
half. I was a period! I indicated the full pause with which
the utterance of a sentence closes. Mine was a pregnant silence.
I woke up feeling uneasy, however, sensing that the period is mightier than the semicolon.
When I fell back asleep, I had a nightmare. I was being chased by
a character called "the Flotz," who gobbles up punctuation. In
fact, it was eerily like in the poem "The Flotz" by Jack Prelutsky: "I
chomp on commas half the day, / quotation marks are rarer prey, / a
semicolon's quite a treat, / while polka dots are joys to eat."
The over-worked grammarian started having subjunctive moods:
"If only I were in Bora Bora!"
"Far be it for me to complain, come rain or shine."
"As it were, I'm stuck here."
"Be that as it may, I still have a headache."
Feel my cold hands. They are nothing compared to the chill you
have left in my heart. Where’s the champagne? Where are the
balloons? Why aren’t we celebrating your triumph? You have
what you always wanted.
Saint Acrimonium oversees philosophers, would-be poets, impassioned
debaters, hypothesizers, racists, misogynists, homophobes, and cab
drivers. In modern times, offerings to Saint Acrimonium have
included photos and sketches of Eminem, though such practices are by no
means sanctioned by the Church.
You threw the bums a quarter in your (athletic) supporter
* Payphones used to take dimes, but now they take quarters. Isn't
it time to update song lyrics to reflect the realities of
inflation? Alas, it's vastly easier to rhyme the word "dime" than
the word "quarter," but here at Inflationary Lyrics Headquarters we
have risen to the challenge. Please join the fun and share your
own inflationary lyrics, with both the "before" and "after" versions!
Later that night, I dreamed of falling in love with a man convicted of
"the crime of silence" and who dedicated himself to semicolons. I
realized upon waking that my dream was inspired by the novel A HISTORY
OF LOVE by Nicole Krauss: "Only after they charged him with the crime
of silence did Babel discover how many kinds of silences existed.
When he heard music he no longer listened to the notes, but the
silences in between. When he read a book he gave himself over
entirely to commas and semicolons, to the space after the period and
before the capital letter of the next sentence."
“You went out into the hall, and then
you—pfft!” She made a gesture intended to represent
disappearance. —John Dickson Carr, The Emperor’s Snuff-Box.
* The British expression "noise stroke gesture" (in American parlance, "noise slash gesture" or "noise/gesture") refers to the intriguing fact
that some vocal expressions seem to call for an accompanying hand
gesture. Take, for example, Pfft! No matter what its intended meaning, it virtually demands to be echoed in sign language. Have you noticed a pfft hand gesture in print? Please share!
For a variety of surprising definitions of pfft, check out my Dictionary of All-Consonant Words at OneLetterWords.com.
Devotions to Saint Makegood are commonly known as either The Five
Requests (in which each appeal begins with the letter R) or the Five
Petitions (in which each appeal begins with the letter P). It is
presumed that the alliteration is merely a mnemonic device.
respect (politeness)
rewards (perks, payoffs, prizes)
recognition (praise)
response (positive feedback)
rapid advancement (promotion)
In cultures where animist religions were absorbed into Christianity,
Saint Makegood is often represented by a tassel made of
cornsilk--presumably a symbol of fringe benefits.
Great! And I understand that the
ancient Druids of the region now known as Surrey kept this symbol in an
especially high place of honor -- hence the expression "Surrey, with
the fringe on top."
It’s the oldest trick in the book. You get the punt—you get others so deeply involved that they don’t dare fold. It’s the dream, you see? They think if they stay in it’ll all work out. —Terry Pratchett, Going Postal (2004)
Later that night, I dreamed yet again that I was a colon. I was
part of a ratio, and stood for the word "to," as in 3:1 (three to one).
Then I dreamed I heard confession from a woman who said: "I suffer over
every period and comma; I am certain the entire meaning of the whole
book might be changed by an aptly placed semicolon," just as in MORE
NOW, AGAIN by Elizabeth Wurtzel.
Hah! That’s the oldest trick in the book, Skip. They’re tryin’ to decoy us away from ‘ere so they can burn the wallgate. —Brian Jacques, Marlfox (1998)
I'm so glad I discovered this rare booklet. Until I discovered it, I didn't know exactly why it was so important! Nor how I could put the information to use!
I know exactly where it will go on my bookshelves: after the beloved volumes Who & What and Where & When.
Now, if anyone ever asks me if I "have any questions," I'll have to say, "Well, yes and no!"
She's so fine, fine, fine
She's a dime, dime, dime
She's so fine, fine, fine
She's all mine, mine, mine
ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:
She's my boarder, boarder, boarder
Not my warder, warder, warder
Got a disorder, -order, -order
Pays per quarter, quarter, quarter
* Payphones used to take dimes, but now they take quarters. Isn't
it time to update song lyrics to reflect the realities of
inflation? Alas, it's vastly easier to rhyme the word "dime" than
the word "quarter," but here at Inflationary Lyrics Headquarters we
have risen to the challenge. Please join the fun and share your
own inflationary lyrics, with both the "before" and "after" versions!
