The phrase "glorified pamphlet" delivers 89 Google results, but "glorified epic novel" delivers zero results.  WTF?

We checked, and it's actually true!  "Life begins at eight thirty."  From The Film Daily, 1942.

In the late 1800s, children were taught very young the horror of a wolf selling a goat gloves made from the skins of baby goats.  From Pittypat and Tippytoe by Eugene Field, 1896.

"People will dance for you in banana costume."  From something called How to Make Mony [sic] from Fiverr.  I guess that's mony as in "Mony Mony" (as sung by Tommy James and the Shondells as well as by Billy Idol).

You've heard about getting blood from a turnip, but you can also get guts from an onion.  From Woroni, 1969.

What we call a book's "spine" is actually its face.  From Lenoir-Rhyne's 1915 yearbook.

How to reshape a time frame and get safely outside it.  A detail from a comic strip in The Martlet, 1977.

The cat who visualizes world peace.  From Woroni, 1993.

We sprinkle digestive enzymes down our toilet to prevent this very sort of thing.  From Woroni, 1993.

You've heard the great question from The Sound of Music, "How do you solve a problem like Maria?  How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?"  It's actually not that difficult.  From the University of the South's 1976 yearbook.

Yes, Mystic Magazine officially claimed to have gnomes as subscribers.  From 1954.

It's not an expression -- a pin really did drop, and here's the guy who could hear it.  From Film Daily, 1935.  We previously extrapolated from Newtonianism that a hush falls at the same speed a pin drops, as proven here.

You can probably tell by the title of this pamphlet that you are, indeed, an anarchist, even if you didn't know it.  Sorry for the spoiler!

"Girls don't gamble any more."  From Wid's Daily, 1920.

We restored a grandfather clock that possesses a ghostly feature.  Thanks to Grumpy Andrew, of Grumpy Andrew's House of Horror, who said, "Wonderful! Oh that was a balm for my soul."  Meanwhile, to whatever pathetic soul thumbed-down our video, we'd ask to see what grand illusion you built from scratch this week, but —oh, that's right! — you didn't.  But you made us feel even more fabulous, so — lest we disappoint you — the thumbs-down didn't discourage at all but rather set us apart from you!  Thanks for social-distancing!  We feel safer now.

Important: you can finally give your hand puppet the fashionable shoulder pads synonymous with (but not an invention of) the 1980s.  From You Can Be a Puppeteer by Carolyn London, 1972.

It may surprise you to learn you're related to an angel.  There's an easy way to check: see our article "Theogony Made Simple" in Fiddler's Green #7.   Then chart the deified branches of your family tree with Heirs to the Queen of Hearts: Tracing Magical Genealogy.

From The Uncle of an Angel by Thomas Allibone Janvier, 1891.

This ad gets funnier as it goes.  From The Campus Enquirer (University of Alberta), 1982.

See our collection of people who look spectacular with mop hair.

Yes, even Uncle Sam uses a ghost writer.  Here's an "as told to" autobiography (when it comes to Uncle Sam, of course, history is autobiography): The Unpopular History of the United States by Uncle Sam Himself As Recorded in Uncle Sam's Own Words by Harris Dickson, 1917.