Saint Acrimonium
Patron of Endless Diatribes.

Saint Acrimonium oversees philosophers, would-be poets, impassioned debaters, hypothesizers, racists, misogynists, homophobes, and cab drivers.  In modern times, offerings to Saint Acrimonium have included photos and sketches of Eminem, though such practices are by no means sanctioned by the Church.

Disclaiming All Pretensions to Rhetoric

SONG: Like a Rolling Stone
ARTIST: Bob Dylan

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

You threw the bums a dime in your prime

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

You threw the bums a quarter in your (athletic) supporter

I dreamed that a dingo took my baby.

Later that night, I dreamed of falling in love with a man convicted of "the crime of silence" and who dedicated himself to semicolons.  I realized upon waking that my dream was inspired by the novel A HISTORY OF LOVE by Nicole Krauss: "Only after they charged him with the crime of silence did Babel discover how many kinds of silences existed.  When he heard music he no longer listened to the notes, but the silences in between.  When he read a book he gave himself over entirely to commas and semicolons, to the space after the period and before the capital letter of the next sentence."

Direct Pressure on Dissenters

Did you hear about the gourmet mystery writer who was enjoying stirring his sauce reduction?  He said: "The pot thickens!"

Ensnared


He offered me a chair.
Was it a snare?

He presented salty finger foods
and exotic beverages.

I said, "You tempt me."

He was looking for
companionship, security,

someone to take
out to dinner,

and then, perhaps,
yoga.
 
"Enticing," I admitted.

His daring fashion faux pas
were symptoms of an infectious joie de vivre.

But it was Eartha Kitty
who snagged me in the end.

Saint Makegood
Patron of Inadequate Compensation.

Devotions to Saint Makegood are commonly known as either The Five Requests (in which each appeal begins with the letter R) or the Five Petitions (in which each appeal begins with the letter P).  It is presumed that the alliteration is merely a mnemonic device.

• respect (politeness)
• rewards (perks, payoffs, prizes)
• recognition (praise)
• response (positive feedback)
• rapid advancement (promotion)

In cultures where animist religions were absorbed into Christianity, Saint Makegood is often represented by a tassel made of cornsilk--presumably a symbol of fringe benefits.

Reader Comments:

Jonathan wrote:

Deep Involvement

I dreamed about Jesus and the Twelve Apostrophes.

Later that night, I dreamed yet again that I was a colon.  I was part of a ratio, and stood for the word "to," as in 3:1 (three to one).

Then I dreamed I heard confession from a woman who said: "I suffer over every period and comma; I am certain the entire meaning of the whole book might be changed by an aptly placed semicolon," just as in MORE NOW, AGAIN by Elizabeth Wurtzel.

Decoys

I'm so glad I discovered this rare booklet.  Until I discovered it, I didn't know exactly why it was so important!  Nor how I could put the information to use! 

I know exactly where it will go on my bookshelves: after the beloved volumes Who & What and Where & When.

Now, if anyone ever asks me if I "have any questions," I'll have to say, "Well, yes and no!"

SONG: So Fine
ARTIST: Ginuwine

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

She's so fine, fine, fine
She's a dime, dime, dime
She's so fine, fine, fine
She's all mine, mine, mine

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

She's my boarder, boarder, boarder
Not my warder, warder, warder
Got a disorder, -order, -order
Pays per quarter, quarter, quarter