CRAIG CONLEY (Prof. Oddfellow) is recognized by Encarta as “America’s most creative and diligent scholar of letters, words and punctuation.” He has been called a “language fanatic” by Page Six gossip columnist Cindy Adams, a “cult hero” by Publisher’s Weekly, a “monk for the modern age” by George Parker, and “a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure” by Clint Marsh. An eccentric scholar, Conley’s ideas are often decades ahead of their time. He invented the concept of the “virtual pet” in 1980, fifteen years before the debut of the popular “Tamagotchi” in Japan. His virtual pet, actually a rare flower, still thrives and has reached an incomprehensible size. Conley’s website is OneLetterWords.com.
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April 28, 2006

Rhetorical Questions, Answered! (permalink)
"Is nothing sacred?"  Yes.  Atheism is a doctrine that there is no God.  However, many atheists are devout in their lack of belief, which makes them religious in spite of themselves.  So to them, nothing is indeed sacred.
> read more from Rhetorical Questions, Answered! . . .
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April 27, 2006

The Right Word (permalink)

Can you name the "hottest" letter of the alphabet?  Or the most "upscale" letter?  It seems that car manufacturers have created a shortage of "luxury letters."  NBC4 explains:

Luxury cars used to be called El Dorados or Town-and-Countrys.  Now they're called "M-35" and Q-45 and MDXs.  And the Wall Street Journal reports that's creating a shortage of luxury letter and number combinations.  As it stands, 22 of the alphabet's 26- letters have been taken.

Letters "S" and "Z" are in great demand.  But neither comes close to letter "X", which is the hottest letter.  And nobody wants O, P, U, or Y which are seen as too ordinary for upscale.  By the way, B, F, and N are lousy letters too.  But the way I see it, the letters L, I, and Z make a delightful car combination.
> read more from The Right Word . . .
#alphabet
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Strange Dreams (permalink)
I dreamed that I was with an older woman (perhaps in her 60s), who was leading me on some sort of swimming expedition.  We came across some stalagmite-type formations sticking out of the water, and my guide encouraged me to view them by partially submerging my face so that the top half of my eyes saw what was above water level and the bottom half of my eyes saw what was submerged.  I indicated that I already knew that the formations continued underwater, but she insisted that I view it for myself.  Afterwards, we swam toward a farther destination, and the experience of swimming was transcendently pleasurable.  I found that I couldn't sink and therefore could devote myself to swimming with absolutely no fear, much as a fish must feel.  The feel of the water itself was also astonishingly, transcendently pleasurable.  It had no temperature (neither warm nor cold), but I felt so at home in it that it bordered on ecstasy.  I felt wholly in my element, at one with the ocean, and enjoyed that swimming more than anything else I've ever done in my life.
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April 26, 2006

Pfft! (permalink)
The Frenchwoman ended the discussion with a fervent pfft, waving him away as she slid off her chair.  —Sparkle Hayter, Bandit Queen Boogie: A Novel.
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I Found a Penny Today, So Here's a Thought (permalink)

Kate Flannery as "Kassie Chew" of "The Lampshades."
One of my favoriite comedy duos goes by the name "The Lampshades," and their spoof-lounge act is so funny that it's almost dangerous.  Dame Edna once had a gag where she kept a nurse onstage in case anyone collapsed from too much happiness, and that might be something for The Lampshades to consider.  Kate Flannery and Scot Robinson perform as The Lampshades in Hollywood.  (Though their long-running act is currently on hiatus while Kate is busy with her role in the television comedy "The Office," The Lampshades can still be heard on their CD and seen on their DVD: see TheLampshades.com for sample video clips and mp3s).  When I last saw them perform live, the guy sitting to my left kept looking over at me throughout the show, presumably because I was laughing so hard.  Maybe he thought I was a heckler or something.  Or maybe he just didn't recognize how much talent he was witnessing on stage.  What was cool about being in the front row was that I could see the wonderful subtleties of Kate's and Scot's facial expressions.  It seemed that Kate made about 8,000 different faces throughout the show, and every one of them had me in stitches.  I marvel at how much artistry goes into every moment of the show.
> read more from I Found a Penny Today, So Here's a Thought . . .
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April 25, 2006

I Found a Penny Today, So Here's a Thought (permalink)

When I was 9, my 5-year-old kid brother convinced me that the craters of the moon formed the face of Abe Lincoln.  I didn't believe him at first, but he seemed so sure.  To children, Lincoln certainly comes across as a demigod, beardedly sitting on that throne and austerely bestowing freedom.  That night my kid brother summed up just how much "cents" I had.  He probably could've had a field day pointing out all sorts of imaginary constellations, such as the heavenly chariot of the divine Abraham (I would have fallen for that one right away, because I always thought the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the penny was a trolley car).  But I couldn't for the life of me follow the line of my brother's finger all the way to the heavens.  I didn't realize then that all constellations are made-up, formed by those who can picture the puzzles of life and convince others to connect the dots.

Reader Comments:

Jonathan wrote,
I was obsessed with A. Lincoln when I was in third grade.  I somehow got the idea that I was supposed to have a favorite president.  I chose Lincoln because of the Emancipation, and then went "all-out" in the same compulsive way I embraced my faves The Partridge Family.  Highlights of this bizarre behavior included an essay for school in which I said they should rename "I Love Lucy" as "I Love Lincoln."
> read more from I Found a Penny Today, So Here's a Thought . . .
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Oldest Tricks in the Book (permalink)
Asking the Same Question Again Later

It was one of the oldest tricks in the book.  Ask some questions, wait a while, then ask ’em again.
—Ben Rehder, Buck Fever (2003)

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April 24, 2006

Inflationary Lyrics (permalink)

Quarter and dime photo by dizzlenj.
SONG: Badd
ARTIST: Ying Yang Twins (feat. Mike Jones)

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

I'm lookin' for a dime that's top of the line
Cute face slim waist wit a big behind

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

I'm lookin' for a quarter that's a real transporter
Cute face slim waist wit a big Pullman Porter
> read more from Inflationary Lyrics . . .
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April 23, 2006

The Right Word (permalink)
How can one express "what language is incapable of putting into words?"  Does relinquishing logical language foster unity with all living things?  The Theatre of the Absurd has an innate distrust of language, preferring wordless communication through "shapes, light, movement and gesture."  The aim is "to create a ritual-like, mythological, archetypal, allegorical vision, closely related to the world of dreams."
> read more from The Right Word . . .
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Rhetorical Questions, Answered! (permalink)
"Who wrote the book of love?"  The Roman poet Ovid.
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April 21, 2006

Oldest Tricks in the Book (permalink)
Asking on Behalf of a Friend

You didn’t honestly expect me to believe that business about needing information for a good friend, did you?  That’s the oldest trick in the book.
—Debbie Macomber, One Night (1994)
> read more from Oldest Tricks in the Book . . .
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Inflationary Lyrics (permalink)
SONG: Like a Rolling Stone
ARTIST: Bob Dylan

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

I wish I had a shilling
For each senseless killing

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

I wish I had a quarter
For each senseless slaughter
> read more from Inflationary Lyrics . . .
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April 19, 2006

Rhetorical Questions, Answered! (permalink)
"Is the Pope Catholic?"  No, for two reasons.  The Pope is the head of the Roman Catholic Church, and is therefore not a part of it (if we define part as one of a number of equal quantities that compose a whole).  Also, the original meaning of catholic is universal.
> read more from Rhetorical Questions, Answered! . . .
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April 18, 2006

Pfft! (permalink)
“Just—pfft!”  He brandished a hand.  —LaVyrle Spencer, Bitter Sweet.
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April 17, 2006

Rhetorical Questions, Answered! (permalink)
"What is so rare as a day in June?"  The answer is "Every day in September, April, and November."  June and those other months have only 30 days each, so all are equally rare.  Rarer than a day in June is any day in February.  The most February can have is 29.
> read more from Rhetorical Questions, Answered! . . .
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Oldest Tricks in the Book (permalink)
Ask Questions

First , dust off the oldest trick in the book.  Ask questions [to encourage close attention and active participation].
—Ted Burda, Baseball’s Hitting Secrets (2001)

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April 13, 2006

Oldest Tricks in the Book (permalink)
Answer a Question with a Question

Answer a question with a question.  For cops and salesmen, this was the oldest trick in the book.  And more often than not, it provided instant insight into a person’s motive for having asked the question in the first place.
—Allen E. Wiesen, The Cairo Conspiracy (2004)
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Semicolon's Dream Journal (permalink)

Photo courtesy Noah Brier, www.noahbrier.com
Thanks, Noah!
I dreamed that I hated the fact I was two punctuation marks in one: a period and a comma.  I envied other punctuation, especially the dash. 

Then I dreamed about how Winston Churchill "believed that in remarks directed to the ear, a semicolon was verboten—whereas a dash fit the rhythm of a speech or talk, making it more conversational," just as in SPEAK LIKE CHURCHILL by James C. Humes.
> read more from Semicolon's Dream Journal . . .
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April 11, 2006

Semicolon's Dream Journal (permalink)

I dreamed I discovered a new room in my house.  In it was stored all sorts of important things I'd forgotten about.

Later that night, I had a nightmare about Kurt Vonnegut reading aloud from his book A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY: "Do not use semicolons.  They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing.  All they do is show you've been to college."
> read more from Semicolon's Dream Journal . . .
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April 9, 2006

Oldest Tricks in the Book (permalink)
Absence of Resistance

I felt him trying to twist me to the right and down so I just relaxed and went with his energy.  Oldest trick in the book.  The sudden absence of resistance caught him off guard and I felt him slip a bit.
—Richard Marcinko, Violence of Action (2002)
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