Did you hear about the new IKEA item called the "Umlaut"?  It's an accent table.

What's the most popular name for a boy accent?  Mark.

What's the most popular name for a girl accent?  Dot.

Enough accent jokes—I've gotta dash.

Did you hear that director Terry Gilliam is going to film a sequel to one of his old movies, and that he's going to deliberately ruin the film stock so as to gain special sympathy from the media?  The film will be entitled "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen By Proxy."

What do you call a mapmaker who is unconcerned with capitals?

Case insensitive.

Q: Why are geniuses so often born prematurely?

A: They're too smart for the womb.

Did you hear the one I just made up about the rebellious pagan retailer? 

He held a "Winter Solstice in July" sale every year.

Why are pieces of paper good mediators?
They see two sides to everything.

What did the piece of paper say at the poker game?
I fold.

How can you tell a paper lifeguard?
The watermark.

How did the stand-up comedian paper airplane start his act?
"I just flew in from Jersey and boy are my arms tired!"

Legal sized paper: the long and the short of it.

A lot of people assume that Willy Wonka was independently wealthy.  But that's not the case.  He had a sugar daddy.

You can always spot an expired coupon -- it's a dead giveaway.

Why do sheets of paper always hate going into work?
They always get reamed out.

Did you hear about the piece of paper with amnesia?
It was a total blank.

Why can't a piece of paper hide its intentions?
They're written all over its face.

What office supply store are pieces of paper bound to work at?
Staples.

Q: What did the doctor prescribe for Willy Wonka's limp?

A: A candy cane.

Q: What do you call an AWOL with a sweet tooth?

A: A deserter.

Why was King Neptune happy as a clam? 

The world was his oyster.

The venture capitalist family is very supportive of their son who has an earning disability.

The revolving door saleman is very supportive of his twins who suffer from vertigo and have a turning disability.

The dairy farming family is very supportive of their daughter who has a churning disability.

The typographer is very supportive of her son who has no spatial sense and has a kerning disability.

The pyromaniac family is very supportive of their child who is allergic to matches and has a burning disability.

Mr. and Mrs. Claus are very supportive of their elf who has no sense of nostalgia and has a yearning disability.

The Italian city of Pisa is very supportive of its tower that has a leaning disorder.

Q: What do you call a diet clinic's accountant?

A: A bean counter.

What do you call a community of paper with an organized system of government?
Ruled

How can you tell a homeless piece of paper?
High rag content

What might British people call a ball of unwanted paper?
A tosser

A piece of paper walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "You look parched."

A couple is eating dessert in a restaurant.  A piece of paper walks up to the table and says, "Hi, I'm Bill."

What's a piece of paper's favorite underwear?  A slip.

Though King Neptune championed rights, he had one exoskeleton in his closet (that only his doctor knew): he was shellfish intolerant.

The publicist for that bedsheets firm just got sacked.  Apparently, she had made too many blanket statements.  There are whispers of a king-sized money laundering scheme that would have folded the company and taken everyone to the cleaners.  Police are already on the case, and the details are being ironed out.  (It's a royal case of mistaken identities, because she's a twin, you see.)  Her career shouldn't be affected: she's already turned down one offer. 

When Yul, the fireplace salesman, retired due to burnout, his son assumed the mantle.

Did you see the new movie, "When Harry Fell in Love with Sally Over a Bowl of Porridge"? 

Ugh -- it's just romantic mush.

Did you hear the one I just made up about the post office?  Everybody knows that you can send letters to Santa Claus.  But did you know that the post office also handles letters addressed to Satan?  Alas, those letters always come back, marked "Return to Cinder."

My problem with Xmas is that so many of the wrapped gifts have strings attached.