My five-year-old neighbor attended her first day of Bible school.  Her class went outside, and each child was given a paper bag.  The teacher told them to collect things that God made, such as leaves, rocks, and twigs. 

When the girl came home, her mother said, “So you learned that God made all things in the world?” 

“No,” she replied.  “He only made what’s in the bag.”

I dreamed that I spent an entire sleep period sitting on the floor embracing a medium-sized brown dog.  It was one of those dreams in which I fell asleep in the dream and "woke up" from my inner nap knowing that an entire night had gone by.  The experience of closeness with the animal was one of utter contentment.  Occasionally I lovingly scratched the animal, and it responded with obvious ecstasy.  Eventually, my uncle Norris came into the room with a camera, and he took my picture.  I kept my head down, as it had been when I fell asleep in the sitting position as I cradled the dog.  But there was a mirror on the floor, and I looked at my own face as Norris took a few pictures of me.  I looked at my face as I tried smiling and not-smiling.

I decided to see the world through rose-colored glasses. But I didn't read the warning label: "Caution. All red objects will seem to disappear. Prolonged use may cause headaches, eye fatigue, disorientation, and/or apathy."

In Alaska, I was the only one who couldn't see the Northern Lights.

In Australia, Ayers Rock (Uluru) was invisible.

In Bermuda, I got sunburned and didn't know it.

In Switzerland, the Matterhorn was fuzzy and bright pink. I felt a headache coming on, but I didn't really care. I finally took off the glasses and gave them to a milkmaid.

My final stop was the Grand Canyon. At sunset, the sky turned purple, the sun was orange, and the clouds were pink.

"My God!" I gasped. I had worn the rose-colored glasses too long. My eyes had stuck that way.

beautiful

I'm mad at my friend the cook.  He only calls me when he's in a stew.

I wrote a joke about my haematologist, but it's in the same vein.

Call East, Strike West

SONG: Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?
LYRICS: Yip Harburg

ORIGINAL LYRIC:

Once I built a tower, up to the sun,
brick, and rivet, and lime;
Once I built a tower, now it's done.
Brother, can you spare a dime?

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION:

Once I built a tower, up to the sun,
brick, and rivet, and mortar;
Once I built a tower, now it's done.
Brother, can you spare a quarter?

Saint Particolare
Patron of Excruciating Detail.

Famous for the ability to summon up a proverb for virtually any occasion, Saint Particolare enjoyed an attentive following in her early days, but as her sermons grew from minutes into hours, her audience dropped off conspicuously.

"What am I, chopped liver?"  Yes.  The human liver is divided by fissures into five lobes, so we are all (in part, at least) chopped livers since they are part of us.

Q: If laughter is the best medicine, what is a curative joke?
A: An anecdote.

Bombard One Sector and Attack Another

Dabbler celebrates the magical mystery of the semicolon and bravely admits to having no idea how to use those sophisticated-looking punctuation marks:

Entitled "The Nightmare," this wood engraving from 1845 depicts a vampire demon sitting on a sleeper's chest.

Some beautiful examples of "the perfect use of a semicolon" by Mackenzie Carignan:

This is what David, a photographer and visionary thinker, saw when he reached for the last tissue in the box.  He calls it "Georgia O’Kleenex."

Bluffing

Saint Valetude
Patron of Mysterious Symptoms.

Saint Valetude was listless most of her short life, though doctors were never able to diagnose her illness.  Her followers, known as "The Weak in Spirit," died out for no apparent cause.

This homemade radio might be just the thing for picking up The Threepenny Opera. 

I dreamed that Napoleon waved at me.

Then I dreamed that John Irving called me a "good old semicolon," as he did in THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP.