Forty-four years before Doctor Dolittle talked to the animals, we learned that animals say such things as:

• He did it first.
• I wish.
• I don't care.
• Not my fault.
• What is that to you?
• I am as good as you.
• More, more.
• Why not?

Additionally:

(The Man's Boot and Other Tales; or Fabulous Truths in Words of One Syllable by Gertrude Sellon, 1876.)

Here are twenty tips for overcoming autumnal blues, from a letter by Sydney Smith to Lady Georgiana Morpeth, Feb. 16, 1820:

Dear Lady Georgiana,– Nobody has suffered more from low spirits than I have done — so I feel for you.

1st. Live as well as you dare.

2nd. Go into the shower-bath with a small quantity of water at a temperature low enough to give you a slight sensation of cold, 75° or 80°.

3rd. Amusing books.

4th. Short views of human life — not further than dinner or tea.

5th. Be as busy as you can.

6th. See as much as you can of those friends who respect and like you.

7th. And of those acquaintances who amuse you.

8th. Make no secret of low spirits to your friends, but talk of them freely — they are always worse for dignified concealment.

9th. Attend to the effects tea and coffee produce upon you.

10th. Compare your lot with that of other people.

11th. Don’t expect too much from human life — a sorry business at the best.

12th. Avoid poetry, dramatic representations (except comedy), music, serious novels, melancholy, sentimental people, and everything likely to excite feeling or emotion, not ending in active benevolence.

13th. Do good, and endeavour to please everybody of every degree.

14th. Be as much as you can in the open air without fatigue.

15th. Make the room where you commonly sit, gay and pleasant.

16th. Struggle by little and little against idleness.

17th. Don’t be too severe upon yourself, or underrate yourself, but do yourself justice.

18th. Keep good blazing fires.

19th. Be firm and constant in the exercise of rational religion.

20th. Believe me, dear Lady Georgiana,

Very truly yours,
Sydney Smith

(via Futility Closet)

1. Your wish is that I wish what you secretly wish.
2. Within a two-hour period, you have eaten an amount of food that most people would consider excessive.
3. You've ruled out the possibility that you're being overly suspicious.
4. You know who she is and she knows what she is.
5. That time you said you loved the chocolate cake, you threw up a little in your mouth.
6. The fact that you tend to stay up through the hours of darkness has nothing to do with a craving for blood.
7. When you lie you break out in a rash.
8. You pray to be forgiven for doing that thing with the thing.
9. There's just no explaining that whatchamacallit.
10. You secretly dream of waking up as a Canadian.
11. Maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do but can no longer pretend that you can.
12. Your secret desire is my deepest fear.
13. You can't listen to very much Wagner because you start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
14. You're so busy with work that you don't have time to "give back to society.”
15. You have neither the money nor the know-how to get that thingamajig out of your head.
16. You've ruled out deranged psychopathy and decided it sounds like fun.
17. Nobody knows what you carry about with you in your pocket.
18. No one will ever suspect that you have the whatsit in your possession.
19. Your secret desire is to bust out that straw-cowboy-hat-and-flip-flops look without looking out of place.
20. You have drunk champagne out of the slipper of a dancing girl.
21. You want to live better than you do now and work fewer hours.
22. You did not mean what you said that day we parted.
23. You have a playroom all to yourself.
24. You want to found a new religion.
25. Though talkative and often high-strung, your secret desire is to be with someone to whom you don't have to say a word, someone whose eyes are hypnotic and whose arms are soothing and strong.
26. You secretly dream of being in front of the camera.

There's only one rule:

• there are no rules (if you're stretching your imagination) —David Goss, The Science of Living Better Forever

• step on a crack , break your mother's back (if you're playing a sidewalk game)

• have the teapot in front of you at all times (if you're crocheting tea cosies) —Loani Prior, Really Wild Tea Cosies

• no deep-fried foods (if you're throwing a party and watching your cholesterol) —Mary Mihaly, The Complete Guide to Lowering Your Cholesterol

• there's no being tired (if you're touring Paris) —Penelope Rowlands, Paris Was Ours

• say "Thank you" (if you're receiving a compliment) —Thriving in the Workplace All-in-One For Dummies

• the teddy bear stays in the house (if you're a dog in training) —Heavenly Humor for the Dog Lover's Soul

• never, ever let a boy touch you there unless he's your husband —Gillian Flynn, Dark Places

• wear whatever is most comfortable (if you're hiking with a dog) —Dan Nelson, Best Hikes with Dogs Western Washington

• never miss paying your round (if you're drinking with friends) —Jack Kahane, Memoirs of a Booklegger

• there must be at least one [item] on the list that is impossible (if you're setting goals) —David Taylor, The Naked Millionaire

• anything goes, as long as you keep at least two tires on the pavement (if you're driving an automobile) —Glenn Beck, The Overton Window

• conquer at any price (if you're on the battlefield) —Luis M. Rocha, The Holy Bullet

• yes means yes and no means no (in the sexual marketplace) —Glenn T. Stanton, Secure Daughters, Confident Sons

• never get involved with a student (if you're a good teacher) —Hank Brooks, The Inlet

• if you represent the wife, get as much as possible; if you represent the husband, give away as little as possible (in divorce settlement) —Howard K. Irving, Children Come First

• form, structure and content should not be separate (in synaesthetic cinema) —Simon Rycroft, Swinging City

• don't eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil (if you're in the Garden of Eden)

• you need one equation for every unknown (in algebra) —Norman S. Pratt, Pearls for the Moment

• don't hit the ducks (in a joke about a golf course in heaven) —Stephen Motway, Jokes, Quotes, and Other Assorted Things

• the fewer attachments and aversions you have to the goal, the quicker it will manifest (if you're a non-dualistic self-inquirer) —Aleksander Kupisz, Holistic Creation and Focus Zone Chi Gong

• no touching of the net (if you're a volley ball player) —Joseph A Bulko, Wall of Illusion, Book 3

• you clean up after yourself down there (if you're in the kitchen) —Jennifer Taylor Wojcik, From Day One

• learn to listen (if you're training to be a good communicator) —John Mason, Believe You Can

• to promote yourself
• of freedom
• of song
• of roses
• of great variety
• of the tempest's power
• for threshing
• of vacations
• of the least bird movement
• of transition
• of the insectivora
• for proverbial meteorology
• of patriotism and revolutions
• when the wooden spoon begins to get busy
• of the ruby
• when things really heat up in Copenhagen
• when fuchsias come into their own

• the taste of yeast
• the world
• Paris
• the moon
• the human figure
• the sense of accomplishment
• Yahweh
• thy destiny
• the excellence of Italian cookery
• the beauty of a rose
• a blue-sided, white-capped mountain, reflected in a broad, placid, shimmering lake, and framed between fleeting clouds, graceful trees and verdant lawn

• cannot be defended intellectually
• is to let it roll off your back
• is to wait until next year
• is take on a humble task that needs doing
• is to give up and try from a completely different point of view
• is to shut your mouth and listen
• is to get out early
• is to apologize
• is to play along
• is to give up
• is to stop it altogether
• is delegating
• to bring to a gunfight is a knife
• is to go with the flow
• is to stay out of the way
• is to cut your losses
• is to be scared
• is to follow your heart
• to turn a complete about-face and offer something in total opposition to a trend
• is pack up, jump on your horse and gallop off to greener pastures

The great Australian comedy series Kath & Kim features some hilariously dumbfounding baby names, such as:

• Typhphaanniii (pronounced Tiffany)
• Eppinn'knee Rae¨</i> (Rae is followed by an [umlaut] and a [close italics])
  
• Detestannii
• Paloma
• Papiloma
• Tailuh (pronounced Tai Luh)
• Glen Waverley (after a suburb in Victoria, Australia)
• Aussie
• Fat Free Frûche
• Tiramisu
  

Then there are these baby names, inspired by a hospital visit (and please note that they all sound better with an Australian accent):

• Neil Bymouth
• Cardio Infarction (the downside being the inevitable nickname "Farct")
• Enema (for a girl)
  
• Lupus (for a boy)
  
• Catheter
  
• I.V. (for a girl)
  

• what works best for you
• your incredible insecurity
• the individuals involved
• coaching
• a failure to execute
• money management
• a simple choice
• being a coward
• how much weight a name will carry
• behavior
• emotional chemistry
• how you spin it
• hitting a key on the computer
• forming a word
• freedom and choice
• rhythms
• what you know and what you don't
• using your brain
• trusting your gut
• this election
• desire
• dedication
• finding your market
• higher aspirations
• memory
• negotiation
• safety
• character
• what you're throwing out
• blood
• human beings
• one girl
• attitude
• priorities
• accepting responsibility
• which way you pass the butter
• greed
• trust
• control
• whether you want your life to be full of accomplishments and triumphs, laughter and good times, or anger and frustration, bitterness and disappointments

Let's enjoy an interlude from our long-running game to consider some things that sound funnier than they are:

• amusia — a less-than amusing condition in which one loses musical ability.  (This one is noted in Erin McKean's Weird and Wonderful Words.)
• the zany plots of most ghost comedies.  (This is noted in The TV Times Film and Video Guide.)
• Montezuma's Revenge.  (This is noted in Florence Crannell Means' Emmy and the Blue Door.)
• a "tepid boxoffice blunder."  (This is noted in Videohound's Golden Movie Retriever.)
• a penile Swiss Army knife bristling with attachments.  (This is noted in Hollywood East: Hong Kong Movies and the People Who Made Them.)
• last rites spoken in Pig Latin.  (This is noted in the "Pluck You, Too!" blog.)
• sexsomnia — unwanted "sleep sex."  (This is noted by CNN producer Stephanie Smith.)
• snoring
• cuckolding
  
• a mounted Boer.  (This is noted in The Bedside 'Guardian,' Vol. 23.)
• a 6-foot tall rabbit called Frank.  (This is referring to the film Donnie Darko.)
  

The problem with people is:

• inherent shortsightedness
• fickleness
• inability to communicate
• they're not all the same
• self-centeredness
• a lack of foresight
• overspending
• an unwillingness to pay their dues
• focusing on the destination instead of the journey
• taking themselves too seriously
• apathy
• inefficiency
• inattentiveness
• prioritization
• fear and confusion
• they make poor gods
• bargain hunting
• giving up too easily
• taking shortcuts
• an infinite supply of wants
• making small talk
• being only human

(we culled this list from popular books)

Here's a game of "What am I?"

Your clues:

• I am an arrogant slap in the face from across the room.
• I am an ethereal corset trapping everyone in the same unnatural shape.
• I am a lazy and inelegant concession to fashionable ego.
• I am too often a substitute for true allure and style.
• I am an opaque shell concealing everything—revealing nothing.
• I am a childish masque hiding the timid and unimaginative.

What am I?

Answer: Perfume (The answer is in black text on the black background. Highlight it to view.)

These clues are courtesy of Christopher Brosius.

Our friend Jason disagrees with President Obama's chilling decree that information "becomes a distraction."  Indeed, Jason suggests that information ranks only fourth in terms of distraction:

1. Cleavage
2. House flies
3. Shiny objects
4. Information

Comedy is "at risk."  And that would be funny if it weren't so:

1. serious
2. unwittingly ironic
3. provoking
4. stupid
5. pathetic
6. prevalent
7. frustrating
8. tragic
9. dangerously misinformed
10. terrifying
11. sad
12. pitiful
13. ludicrous
14. destructive
15. impressive
16. gross
17. scary
18. true
19. disastrous
20. disgusting
21. painful
22. probable
23. terrible
24. patently ridiculous
25. sincere
26. perverse
27. unfunny
28. horrible
29. stressful
30. outrageous
31. ill-bred
32. sickening
33. insulting
34. crazy
35. typical
36. deadly
37. insidious
38. grotesque
39. significant
40. absurd
41. real
42. despicable
43. wicked
44. bitter
45. wide of the mark
46. common
47. moralizing
48. filled with pathos
49. vile
50. cruel
51. appalling
52. hideous
53. painfully revealing
54. very nearly unbearable
55. important
56. predictable
57. expensive
58. heartbreaking
59. damn personal

• juggernaut
• thunderdome
• transhuman
• electrolyte
• halcyon
• bourgeoise
• tarmac
• mundane
• odyssey
• expressway
• cobblestones
• favela
• consecrating
• galvanized
• supersonic
• masquerade
• Martian invasion
• testosterone
• supernova
• boogaloo
• Himalayas

The nuns in The Sound of Music ponder, "How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?"

We found the five-step answer in the poem "To Catch a Cloud: Homage to Magritte," anthologized in Rising Tides: 20th Century American Women Poets (1973):

1. Begin with an unruffled lake
2. Wait for a cloud to pass over
3. See the cloud in the lake
4. Reach down and pinch the lake's skin between thumb and forefinger
5. Raise it as you would a silk handkerchief

Rorschach inkblots are designed to uncover hidden feelings and emotions.  Here's a fun test:

How would you characterize this inkblot's grin?  (Choose one.)

• Lustful
• Smutty
• Perverted
• Wicked
• Predatory
• Up to no good
• Antisocial
• Depraved
• Guilty
  
• Ingratiating
• Benevolent
• Kindly
• Knowing

A baker's dozen of things that inspire "wordless awe"*

1. the star-encrusted heavens
2. the thunderous silence of Yosemite
3. a classically beautiful woman
4. a diamond necklace
5. cherry blossoms
6. nature's grandeur
7. anatomical knowledge
8. standing atop Mt. Wilson
9. the thought of God
10. scientific discoveries
11. the shrouded dead
12. new life
13. ancient architectural wonders

* found via online research, in no particular order