CRAIG CONLEY (Prof. Oddfellow) is recognized by Encarta as “America’s most creative and diligent scholar of letters, words and punctuation.” He has been called a “language fanatic” by Page Six gossip columnist Cindy Adams, a “cult hero” by Publisher’s Weekly, a “monk for the modern age” by George Parker, and “a true Renaissance man of the modern era, diving headfirst into comprehensive, open-minded study of realms obscured or merely obscure” by Clint Marsh. An eccentric scholar, Conley’s ideas are often decades ahead of their time. He invented the concept of the “virtual pet” in 1980, fifteen years before the debut of the popular “Tamagotchi” in Japan. His virtual pet, actually a rare flower, still thrives and has reached an incomprehensible size. Conley’s website is OneLetterWords.com.
Delay your mid-life crisis. As per Zeno, if you never reach your mid-point, you'll never reach your end.
Abhor setting your clocks to atomic time.
Learn to take long-exposure photographs at night. Long exposures open a hole in the fabric of Time. The click of the camera extends from a moment into minutes. Try it and you'll instantly feel how you stop aging. (If not, ask a doctor to accompany you on your night walk to monitor your eleven medical symptoms and signs of aging as you take long-exposure photographs.)
To mark off days on a calendar is to ensure that your days are numbered. Never ever cross off a day, no matter how loathsome.
Eschew wearing a wristwatch; a wristwatch leaves a mark — the mark of Time.
Investigate adjusting your circadian rhythm to a 25-hour day. Make every day count that little bit extra. Indeed, have "two Saturday nights in a Friday night, if you know what I mean" (as John Michael Higgins says in Best in Show).
Spend more time at the beach. It's a fallacy that the ocean makes one feel insignificant; on the contrary, one small step over tiny shells (each a life story) and ancient grains of sand (each an entire world, as per the immortal William Blake) is one giant leap for mankind.
"Because all the clocks disagree on the time of day, it is left up to the residents to decide their own temporal reality. All residences exist in a time warp. If the clock is right, you are hallucinating." From McGill Daily, Dec. 8, 1983.
At the Sharp Flats, in Salem, Virginia, the clocks simultaneously show 10:40 and 11:40. As constant investigators of such phemonena, we diagnosed the problem at a glance. Note how the treble clef on the clockface is backwards. It's been said that clinging to backward symbols keeps society from moving forward without the weight of baggage from the past.
There is a six-hour discrepancy at this clock tower in Scranton, Pennsylvania, documented by Scott Chenoweth. Though we weren't on location to discover the exact cause of the timely weirdness, we offer this photo to help hone the insights ofwould-be investigators of temporal anomalies. The more clocks one sees that are "on the fritz" (Fritz being the German clockmaker who first went "cuckoo"), the better attuned one will be to time warps in the wild.
"The 'clock without hands' is a mandala, an archetypal symbol that stands for both ... incompleteness ... and potential wholeness, a wholeness that the mandala as a complete circle portends" (Clifton Snider, The Stuff That Dreams Are Made On.
When we're asked, as chronologicians, to correct a temporal anomaly, we often have to explain that it's not as easy as resetting a clock, for there are mighty forces out there. From NY School of Agriculture at Alfred University's 1942 yearbook.
Temporal anomaly investigator Michael Pereckas shares this photo from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Of course the clock faces on the near tower don't agree, when the far tower broadcasts non-time in four directions. What we see here is a mechanical attempt to average out temporal incertitude and arrive at equilibriality.
We encountered many temporal anomalies in Martinsburg, West Virginia. This one, at the Veterans of Foreign Wars buiilding, displayed two different times on its faces, both incorrect. Due to the great number of faulty clocks in Martinsburg, we suspect a city-wide rift in the fabric of time/space.
Because timelessness is defined as zero succession and infinite simultaneity, clock towers without clock hands are paragons of timelessness. This handless clock tower near Mansfield, England was documented byStephen McKay.
An asterisk of time? It's a phenomenon! This one is yellowish, but there's a black asterisk of time, too: "In the black asterisk of time that I did not remember until now, right now" (Stephanie Gangi, The Next: A Novel). Photo courtesy of temporal anomaly investigator Neil Hester.
We spotted this temporal anomaly in Eastern Kentucky's 1974 yearbook. One clock on the tower is seventeen minutes earlier than the other. "One face looks backward to the past; the other looks forward to the future. To be identified with either face is to be captive in stone, victim of fixed laws and fixed authorities" (Marion Woodman, 1982).