Saint Metafora
Patron of Disturbing Conclusions.

Saint Metafora taught a simple message that calmed the troubled minds of her followers: "A disturbing conclusion is simply the result of making the wrong kind of analogy."  Her collected sayings, "The Similitudes," popularized the phrase "X is like Y," which became a mantra of sorts among her disciples.  That mantra was commonly misheard as "excess likewise" by the general public, leading to the widespread misunderstanding that Saint Metafora preached a life of overindulgence.  Today, Saint Metafora is perhaps best known for her controversial sermon entitled "The Watchmaker Analogy: Who Has Time For It?"

Saint Acrimonium
Patron of Endless Diatribes.

Saint Acrimonium oversees philosophers, would-be poets, impassioned debaters, hypothesizers, racists, misogynists, homophobes, and cab drivers.  In modern times, offerings to Saint Acrimonium have included photos and sketches of Eminem, though such practices are by no means sanctioned by the Church.

Saint Makegood
Patron of Inadequate Compensation.

Devotions to Saint Makegood are commonly known as either The Five Requests (in which each appeal begins with the letter R) or the Five Petitions (in which each appeal begins with the letter P).  It is presumed that the alliteration is merely a mnemonic device.

• respect (politeness)
• rewards (perks, payoffs, prizes)
• recognition (praise)
• response (positive feedback)
• rapid advancement (promotion)

In cultures where animist religions were absorbed into Christianity, Saint Makegood is often represented by a tassel made of cornsilk--presumably a symbol of fringe benefits.

Reader Comments:

Jonathan wrote:

Saint Cartello
Patron of Planned Obsolescence.

Originally a friend to poor workmen (then, over time, associated with "poor workmanship"), Saint Cartello was an expounder of the philosophy of "Divine Second Thoughts."  Shrines to Saint Cartello, manufactured on assembly lines, are traditionally replaced annually.  Cartello oversees self-defeating obsessions, American-made appliances, disposable razors, and unpredictable hemlines.

Saint Dubium
Patron of Questionable Merits.

Saint Dubium rules over Gothic architecture, bohemian poetry, most lawsuits, innumerable gadgets, a host of guidebooks, grandiose claims, local bands, and non-prescription topical ointments.

Saint Lieblos
Patron of Involuntary Celibacy.

Watchful over many a loveless marriage, Saint Lieblos penned the well-known tract entitled "Divine Relief from Sleeplessness: A Missionary's Position."

Saint Pfennig
Patron of the Intrinsically Useless.

Saint Pfennig oversees things devoid of purpose, such as motor boat racing, camping, public works, and vandalism.  In some cultures, he is associated with the inexplicable and the totally misunderstood.  In others, he is patron of unaskable and unrelated questions.  Paintings of him (often sanctimoniously vandalized) usually depict him "hovering all too near the angelic pleroma of total meaninglessness," to quote Mac Wellman out of context.  Traditional offerings to Saint Pfennig include copper pennies, trinkets, ornaments, and governmental reports.

Reader Comments:

Jonathan wrote:
Saint Pfennig!  Perfect concept, perfect name.  And the Dadaesque paradigm of sanctimonious vandalization -- great!

Saint Futilis
Patron of Quiet Desperation.

Best known for his "Litany of a Thousand Muted Cries for Help," Saint Futilis' sermons were famously punctuated by angry silences.  Futilis eventually founded a  monastery, "The Brothers of Unspeakable Loneliness" (a.k.a. "Nothing Really Martyrs"), where the daily rounds of prayer were known as "Counting the Minutes."  Overcome with feelings of meaninglessness after Futilis' death, the monks never mustered the wherewithal to disband, though the Church officially renounced them after misinterpreting a manifesto entitled "Our Resignation."

Saint Hlmpfmr
Patron of Incomprehensible Utterances.

His name is brought up (shamefully) in the ubiquitous German joke about a man mistakenly diagnosed with hemorrhoids who tells the proctologist, "get someone with longer fingers--I have a sore throat!"

Regional variations of this saint's name include Drmpf, Hgmmm, and Hmmgmr.

Saint Particolare
Patron of Excruciating Detail.

Famous for the ability to summon up a proverb for virtually any occasion, Saint Particolare enjoyed an attentive following in her early days, but as her sermons grew from minutes into hours, her audience dropped off conspicuously.

Saint Valetude
Patron of Mysterious Symptoms.

Saint Valetude was listless most of her short life, though doctors were never able to diagnose her illness.  Her followers, known as "The Weak in Spirit," died out for no apparent cause.

Saint Trigo
Patron of Oblique Triangles.

A former mathematician, Saint Trigo beseeched the Trinity for a miracle, or as he put it, "a sine or a cosine."  He received a vision of oblique triangles, took a vow of silence, and dedicated the rest of his life to discovering the "right angle" to approach God.  Some have speculated that Saint Trigo's quietude inspired the novelist Stephen White to write the following phrase in his book Harm's Way:

Saint Gian Acque
Patron of Abominable Taste.

Saint Gian Acque was recognized by his devotion to checked jackets, excess ornamentation, lentils, gilt papers, and scented candles.  It is believed that "The Pope of Trash" (a.k.a. "The King of Bad Taste" and "The Sultan of Sleaze") John Waters took his name from Gian Acque.

Saint Flauntus
Patron of Blatant Disregard.

Abundant evidence of risk?  Light a candle to Saint Flauntus, so the tradition goes, and blaze forward!  Flauntus oversees gross recklessness, wanton desires, insubordination, willful misconduct, criminal negligence, off-road escapades, and pop art.

Saint Widerwille
Patron of Irrational Aversions.

Saint Widerwille preached that "In the eyes of God, there is nothing irrational in an aversion to (fill in the blank) provided that one is prepared to accept the consequences."  Saint Widerwille himself was said to suffer irrational aversions to untoasted bread, gypsies, politicians, snakes, polystyrene cups, and people from New Jersey.  In his memoirs, he confessed that his greatest recurring nightmare involved taking communion from a wandering former Jersey statesman named Copperhead: "The moment he thrusts that unbaked wafer and plastic cup of wine toward me, I wake up screaming."